Page 131 of Stroked Long
Bang. Bang.
I’m in a tub but instead of hearing my mom’s scream, I hear Ruby’s.
Bang. Bang.
Over and over again, her screaming for help.
“Bodi.” Dr. Auburn calls from a distance, or what feels like a distance. “Bodi, do you need a trashcan?”
My stomach rolls. I nod.
A generic plastic trashcan is placed in front of me just in time for my protein shake to reappear.
***
“How are you doing today?”
“You’re the doctor, you tell me,” I say, resting my elbow on the arm of the couch to prop my head up. I’m fucking exhausted. Sleep eludes me, night terrors take over when I do sleep, and the constant anxiety of the change in routine eats me alive.
Why won’t Eva answer her phone at eight thirty?
Why is my condo never clean enough?
Why can’t I stop hearing Ruby’s screams in my head?
“I can’t tell you how you feel, Bodi. I can tell you how you look, and honestly, you look worse than yesterday.”
Yup, my visits are daily now. It’s the one routine in my life, and I’m gripping on to it for dear life.
“Not digging the beard?” I ask with no humor in my voice.
“It’s not you. Neither are the dark circles under your eyes or your haggard appearance.”
I shrug. “Who the fuck cares?”
“You should care, Bodi.”
I shrug. There is no use in caring anymore. When I care, I get turned down. I care about Eva, but she’s punishing me. She’s making my life a living hell. I just want to know if she’s okay.
“Have you heard from your sister?”
“Does it look like I have?” I snap, tossing the pillow that’s sitting in my lap across the room. Dr. Auburn doesn’t flinch.
“Throwing pillows is not going to get you anywhere, Bodi.”
I shake my head as I pinch my brow. “Wow, and I’m paying for this shit.”
***
“You’re wearing jeans today.”
I feel the rough denim scrape my palms as I rub my hands up and down my legs. “The rest of my clothes are dirty.”
“You’re not doing your laundry? That’s not like you, Bodi.”
“Yeah, cleaning doesn’t seem to work for me anymore.”
“What do you mean by that?” Dr. Auburn has his pen poised, ready to take notes, and all I want to do is take that pen and shove it the fuck up his nose.
