Page 130 of Stroked Long
Fuck, I completely forgot about it. Will Ruby be there?
Will she try to talk to me?
Does she hate me?
Of course she does.You were a fucking monster to her; there’s no way she loves you now.
***
“How are you feeling?”
“How does it look like I’m feeling?” Fucking miserable.
Dr. Auburn assesses my ragged appearance and sets his pen down on his notepad. Steepling his fingers at his chin, he says, “You look like shit.” I’ve known Dr. Auburn long enough to have this open dialogue with him. His comment doesn’t affect me.
I do look like shit. I’m wearing a pair of sweats, an old T-shirt, and I haven’t shaved in a few days. I’ve spent my time off from the pool scrubbing every orifice of my house, locking and unlocking my doors and windows for hours, and I’ve declined every single post-Olympic interview, claiming family emergencies.
Fuck interviews right now. I know I owe it to my country to show off the hardware I brought home for them, but if I can barely get my ass out of my house for the emergency meetings scheduled with Dr. Auburn, how can I possibly show up to a production set and put on a good face for morning and late night talk shows? There are others who can fill in for me, like Reese King.
I lean back on the couch, my legs wide, and my hand plastered against my forehead as I close my eyes. “I’m barely functioning.”
“What do your days look like? Are they the same?” This is my second visit with Dr. Auburn since I returned home, since I completely destroyed Ruby, since Eva told me to stop calling her, fucking me up more than I’ve ever been. I know she said not to call, but I still do, and she doesn’t answer.
Fucking torture.
Eight thirty rolls around and I find myself rocking back and forth on my couch, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants, wishing for a text from Eva that she’s okay. I spend the next half hour running through my house, making up for the phone call I never received by fucking around with my locks and alarm system. I’m so consumed and obsessed with the safety of my condo I can’t even remember what day it is.
“I can’t stop my obsessive habits. I spend hours repeating them over and over again. I want to fucking stop. I want it all to be over but when I attempt to stop, I have a panic attack. Fucking vicious circle.”
Dr. Auburn nods. “Let’s go back to where this is coming from. You said you had flashbacks of the night you lost your parents.” Of the night I killed my parents, but I don’t correct him, I know better by now.
“Yeah.”
“This was the same night you couldn’t get a hold of Eva. What about the day you didn’t know where Ruby was, out on the beach, any flashbacks then?”
“I don’t want to talk about Ruby,” I say curtly.
“I understand the need to put her behind you, but I suggest we dig a little deeper with her. She’s a big factor in all of this. You care for her.”
“I love her,” I say on a disheartened sigh.
“Do you want her back in your life?”
I want nothing more than to have Ruby in my arms, to get lost in the sincerity of her gaze, the warmth of her heart, but that doesn’t mean I deserve her.
“Doesn’t matter, it’s over.”
Dr. Auburn takes a different approach. “Tell me about the beach. Were you having flashbacks of your parents then?” I knew the bastard wasn’t going to drop Ruby as he never gives in to my demands. He pushes me to uncomfortable lengths.
“No. But after that, I started to have them.”
My vision starts to blur, the distinct smell of that beach hits me, pedestrians walking around me as I sprint to get to her. Bang after bang goes off in my head.
The cool porcelain brands my skin.
Bang. Bang.
I’m in a tub.
