It wasn’t like I wanted to argue with him. I honestly needed a friend right now and I found myself closer to Jordan these days than I was to Kristen.
“Okay. Just text me.”
“Will do. Be careful. And call me if you need anything.” He slowly sat down in his chair, watching me like a sad puppy dog as I backed toward the elevator. I offered a smile, then turned around.
I had a lot of thinking to do before I shared anything with Jordan, and I didn’t have the faintest idea where to start. The only consolation was that they weren’t firing me. If it turned out that I couldn’t continue doing this with them, then at least I would still have my job.
And wouldn’t that be freaking awkward.
•
After I returned to my apartment, I changed into yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt, then made a cup of hot chocolate. I needed something to soothe my soul and this was the only way I knew to begin.
Soothe my soul.
Right.
Like that would ever happen.
Never in my life had I felt more like a punching bag than I did in that moment. These men were tossing me around as though it was inevitable that I would bounce back. Only, I wasn’t sure I had any bounce left in me. This was nuts. One minute we were role playing on the beach, the next I was dancing at New Year’s, and now I was being told I had to choose. But quite frankly, my choices sucked.
“Uggh!”
Before settling on the sofa, I grabbed a notebook and pen from my nightstand, figuring the best way to attack this was to start with lists. That was what I was good at.
“This is not gonna be easy,” I muttered to myself, curling up with a blanket. “Not easy at all.”
I figured the best thing to do was to start by listing what my options were.
I wrote the headings on three separate pages: Back to the beginning; A little taste of everything; False commitment.
Those seemed fitting for what my bosses said I could choose from. The idea of kicking them all to the curb, as Justin had hinted at, did not sit well with me. I was confused and a little heartbroken, but I wasn’t ready for this to be over. So, I wasn’t even considering it.
My first option wasn’t all that appealing. Although I had enjoyed it in the beginning, even I could accept that I wanted more than to be a mere plaything for the four men to entertain when they chose to. Sure, I enjoyed it and I knew I would continue to enjoy it, but there was no ending, which made it feel too undefined, I guess was the right word.
The second option of being dominated by each of them randomly, while still being shared between them, was the least dreadful. I couldn’t deny that. I enjoyed being with each man, but I also enjoyed having all their attention. It would give me the most options, the ability to get to know them better. And not just sexually.
And the final option, which was giving myself to Master, while not having him give himself to me in return, made my heart hurt. It was an abysmal option. For one, I cared about him, but I didn’t want him without Sir. That I knew for an absolute fact.
And then there had been his declaration. He wasn’t ready to collar me, but one day he might be? What kind of crap was that? I physically ached when I thought about what he’d said, how he wasn’t ready but he might in the future. However, I couldn’t deny that I had feelings for him and I wanted to please him.
On the other hand, I hadn’t even known what collars were three months ago. Why would anyone assume I was ready or willing to wear one?
I huffed.
No, this certainly wasn’t going to be an easy choice.
“Pros and cons,” I muttered to myself. That seemed like a good avenue to explore next.
With my pen in hand, I decided three pros and three cons for each scenario was necessary, so I got to work.
BACK TO THE BEGINNING
Pros
Enjoy the attention of all four men.
Spontaneity.
No stress.
Cons
No structure.
Lack of real intimacy.
No future.
A LITTLE TASTE OF EVERYTHING
Pros
Intimate encounters with each man.
Spontaneity.
Some structure.
Cons
Delicate balance.
Worry about pleasing everyone.
No future.
FALSE COMMITMENT
Pros
Commitment.
Spend more time with Master.
Structure.
Cons
Lack of true commitment from Master.
Owned but not kept.
Not having Sir
Although the lists came relatively easy, I instantly knew that they wouldn’t help in my decision. For one, I tended to follow my heart and not my brain, which meant this decision was more of an emotional one.
Dropping my pen and notepad onto my lap, I picked up my hot chocolate and stared at the wall. Anger began bubbling up inside of me and I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. Perhaps I was upset that my bosses were making this so difficult for me. Up until this afternoon, I thought we were enjoying ourselves. I’m not sure what caused things to move in this direction, for any of them to make a decision that would alter the course of everything.
