He motioned toward his office. “Take all the time you need. When you’re ready to talk, just open the door.”
As I stepped into the room and closed the door, I wondered if he’d be okay with me staying in there until tomorrow. Or next week, even. This was all getting to be too much.
No, I probably shouldn’t have gone off on Ben the way I had. However, emotions were running high right now, mine especially. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I tried to convince myself that this setup was working for me, I knew it wasn’t.
Dropping onto the couch, I fell onto my side and hugged one of the pillows. I felt cold on the inside. All this time I’d thought I was doing what they wanted. First, I was shunned by Langston and I’d figured out how to reel in my emotions and to keep them to myself so I didn’t overwhelm them. Then I had learned my lesson with Landon, which had taught me to be more attentive. And then everything had gone down with Justin. Between the distance he put between us and Ben’s admission that things weren’t really working out with me the way they’d wanted…well, I was starting to feel as though it was time to move on.
I sighed. I was being overly dramatic, I knew. In my defense, I was hurting. I’d kept all my feelings bottled up for so long. I should’ve listened to Jordan. I should’ve engaged my bosses in open dialogue so at least they would know where I stood. Instead, I’d kept it inside and now I was stuck.
I hated the thought of finding a new job. Not only because the interviews sucked but also because I enjoyed what I was doing here. I was four months in and I didn’t want to start over somewhere else. On the other hand, this was more than I’d signed up for. Not the sex or the interactions. I had gone into that with my whole heart. I was referring to this emotional bullshit and the ping-ponging back and forth. That was what I couldn’t deal with anymore. I felt like a rubber band being stretched at both ends. Just when I thought I would snap, they shifted me around and started pulling in a different direction.
I hated it.
I remained like that for a while longer, focusing on breathing. It was the only thing I knew to do. I had some decisions to make, but I couldn’t do that while I was at work. They deserved my full attention for the remainder of the day. Fortunately, the tears didn’t come. I was through feeling sorry for myself. Big girls didn’t cry, right?
Getting to my feet, I straightened my skirt and my blouse, then ran my hands over my hair to smooth it. Remembering there was a bathroom, I detoured and took a look at myself in the mirror. I looked fine, maybe a little upset, but not too bad.
“Okay, girl. It’s time to suck it up. Stop all the whiny bullshit and…move on.” The pain in my chest was intense, but I ignored it. Or tried my best to, anyway.
When I stepped out of Langston’s office, the first thing I noticed was three of my four bosses were gathered around my desk talking in hushed tones.
Maybe they were going to fire me. I hoped not, because if I was leaving there, I was going to do it with my head held high.
“Before you speak with her,” Ben addressed Langston, “can I have a word with Luci?”
“Sure.” Langston and Landon walked toward me. Langston stopped in front of me. “When you’re finished, join me in my office.”
It wasn’t phrased as a question, but I nodded anyway, feeling fairly certain they were going to fire me.
Langston’s office door closed and I was left facing Ben.
“Look,” he said softly. “I shouldn’t’ve said what I did. You didn’t deserve that from me.”
I didn’t respond because I agreed with him.
He moved closer and took my hands in his. “The only thing I’ve wanted since the day I met you was for you to be happy, Luci. That’s it. No matter what path we ventured down, I’ve always wanted the best for you.”
“I know that,” I said, my voice rough with emotion.
“I’m truly sorry for what I said earlier. I’m going through a lot right now.” He looked so sincere, my chest ached. “But that’s no excuse for me to take things out on you. You’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, we’re the ones who’re responsible for this mess we’ve made. I don’t want you to think I blame you.”
“Thank you. And I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t be taking things out on you either.”
He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t resist leaning into him. I cared about this man. No matter what happened from that moment forward, I would always care about my four bosses.
