Page 108 of Wildfire
Ethan’s call took a sledgehammer to it all.
“I think you’re madder at me than I deserve,” she says, crouching down in front of me. “Yell at me, Russ. Let’s fight about how angry you are at me and I can yell back that you kept this huge thing from me for months and we can scream at each other until you realizeI’m not scared to carry your baggage. And we’ll make up. And I can support you the way you support me.”
I don’t want to yell at her. I don’t want this to be something she has to carry, especially knowing she has to face her own family today. “Just go,” I say. “You don’t want to miss your flight.”
“I won’t be able to stop overthinking until I know we’re okay.” Her hands shake as she rests them against my knees. “Please don’t burn me,” she says, voice barely above a whisper.
I feel like I’m burning everyone at this point. “Just go, Aurora. Please.”
She kisses my forehead as she stands, and I feel her tears drop onto my skin. I want to reach out and hold her to me, but I don’t deserve that. She takes a sharp breath, but I can’t look at her. “For the record, I really hope your dad gets better and you can heal from this. I’m sorry I found out before you were ready to tell me.”
It feels like she’s taking half of me with her as I finally lift my head to watch as she walks out, and I finally get the answer to the question that’s been plaguing me all summer.
It’s harder to watch her walk away than it is to wake up and find she’s not there.
IKNOWI’VE FUCKED UPbefore I even head out of my cabin with my bags, and I fucking hate myself.
I couldn’t get good enough service to call Ethan back in my room, so I’ve decided to do it from the road. I’ll call JJ, too, let him know I’m not coming anymore. As much as I don’t want to, I know I need to head home and face whatever is waiting for me. I miss Aurora, and that makes no sense, because I’m the reason she isn’t here and I fucking hate myself for that as well. I’ll call her from the road, beg for forgiveness, pray I haven’t hurt her too badly.
I’ve sent her to see her dad believing I’m mad at her and that she’s done something wrong, when it’s my fault because I don’t know how to process things without clamming up like an asshole. I can’t even enjoy the walk through camp back to my truck, despite being the happiest I’ve been in my life during the last ten weeks.
I just keep thinking the same thing: of course she answered the phone. She’s my girlfriend and it wouldn’t be a problem for a normal fucking person. But I’m not normal. I’ve let the shame and embarrassment eat at me for years, scared that if I let someone in it’d ruin things. I didn’t let her in, not fully, and I’ve managed to ruin us anyway.
I keep my head down as I pass the people I’ve worked alongside, hoping they don’t notice me or want to say good-bye. Thankfully nobody stops me, my keys are in my hand, and I’m ready to get out of here as quickly as I can.
I’m watching my feet scrape against the dusty parking lot when I hear her clear her throat, forcing me to look up. Her bags are littering the ground around her and she’s biting her fingernails, anxiously tapping her foot.
“I’ve never begged a man before,” she says, and as confident as she sounds, she doesn’t look it. I know how big this is for her. I know what kind of courage this took. “But you’re the first of many things for me.”
“Rory…”
“I don’t want you to be my first heartbreak.” Another piece of me breaks off. “Either we get into the truck together and for the next four hours we talk, or we can sit in silence, and when we get to Maple Hills we go our separate ways. You can tell me as little or as much about your dad as you want. You’re in control of what you’re ready to share with me.” She picks up her bags. “But you can tell meeverything about how you’re feeling. You wanna be together? This is how we’re doing it. We’re not miscommunicators, Russ. We share our secrets.”
“I’m so sorry, Ror.” She drops her bags as I speed toward her, crushing her in a hug. I instantly feel better having her in my arms again. “I was going to call you and grovel as soon as I was on the road. I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes,” she says harshly. “You do. I don’t need you to grovel. You don’t need to punish yourself for being overwhelmed. I just need you not to push me away.”
Word by word, I feel her gluing me back together. “What about the wedding?”
“You’re my first choice, Russ,” she whispers, burying her head into my neck. “Where you go, I go. You don’t have to face this alone.”
“But your dad—”
“—will survive. I think we both know by now he doesn’t really care anyway. I can try to twist it in lots of different ways that make me feel in control, but let’s be honest. I probably wouldn’t be invited if there wasn’t press there.” She shrugs. “If he wanted me to listen to his demands, maybe he should have held me accountable all the times I broke the rules.”
“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I’m so fucking lucky to have you.” Her mouth crashes into mine, frantic and desperate, and I can’t help but match everything she’s giving to me. I’m still scared about what we’re heading back to, but I know she’s by my side.
It doesn’t take long for me to load our things into my truck and get on the road. I know that anytime now I need to start talking. Going our separate ways isn’t an option for me, and if she leaves, the only person I’d have to blame for that is myself. I’ll have been the one who pushed her away when she was trying to pull me close.
She sits quietly beside me while I call JJ to tell him I’m not visiting him. He’s understandably bummed, but as soon as I drop “family drama,” he tells me not to worry and he’ll see me next time he’s in LA.
“He’s a bit like a brother, isn’t he,” Rory says quietly when the call ends.
“Yeah, he’s kind of like the older brother I wanted but didn’t have.”
She nods. “Like Jenna for me.”
There are so many things in our lives that mirror one another, and I need to trust that if anyone is going to understand and help me, it’s going to be her. She’s turned my world upside down, and there’s no reason she won’t now.
