Page 103 of Wildfire
She’s asked me to tell her everything multiple times. Always in the same way, nervously, with the promise of patience and understanding. When she asked on the day of Dad’s visit, the whole truth was on the tip of my tongue, but after hearing everything she’d had to shoulder, from the phone call from her dad to her mom’s impromptu visit, I couldn’t put my problems on her.
I knew if I told her everything she’d have spent all her energy trying to help me navigate my feelings, instead of concentrating on dealing with her own. I will tell her eventually, but the more that time passes since Dad’s visit, the more my willingness to share decreases. Every day I don’t get a cash app request it feels a little less urgent, and when being honest with myself, I still don’t think I’m truly ready.
Aurora loves when I share. I love making Aurora happy. But wanting to give her what she wants because I’d give her everything if I could is not the same as being ready.
I know one day I’ll feel comfortable enough to talk with her about all my dad’s issues. Now that I’ve had time to process his visit, there’s a tiny shred of hope growing in me that he might be about to turn things around. It’s a lot to cope with, especially as an outsider, and I’d rather talk to her about it when I know what’s going to happen. If nothing’s going to change, I want to know that instead of being embarrassed when I share my hope and he lets me down.
My family is such a huge emotional burden and I just want to save her from that, especially after she’s worked so hard over the past couple of months.
She says that for her this summer was about making choices for the right reasons, and choosing to go to the wedding because she wants to be at an important family event is her right reason. It isn’t a knee-jerk reaction, it isn’t derived from hurt feelings or bad choices—she wants to go.
If she decides she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to, because she’s in control.
I can’t bring myself to remind her that one conversation with him had her spiraling, ready to pack up and leave. I want her to do what makes her happy, and she’s an adult who can make her own decisions. But I think she’s going out of fear of closing the door on their relationship and not because she actually thinks their relationship is salvageable.
But, saying all of this would make me a hypocrite, so I tell her I’m proud of her and that I’ll be there for her, no matter what.
It’s going to be weird being so far away from her while she’s at the wedding. I’m heading to JJ’s in San Jose for his official housewarming party, and as much as I wish she was coming with me, I’m excited to hang out with everyone.
Aurora has learned more about me in these last couple of months than my friends have learned in years, and I feel better every daysimply because I have her. Even if Dad does get better and stops the gambling—and hopefully the drinking, too—it’s going to take time for me to work through the years of embarrassment.
And I’m grateful I’m not going to be alone when I start that journey.
Chapter Thirty-FourAURORA
THERE’S A SAD ATMOSPHERE INthe air as kids march past the window in the direction of the camp bus.
Orla runs departure day like a well-oiled machine with scheduled pickups to ensure everything is as organized as possible. It’s emotional to say good-bye to people you’ve been with for over two months. When I was here as a child, I would spend the last day in tears, usually clinging to Jenna.
Thankfully, our kids seem to be more mature than little me, and although they’re sad, most of them are excited to see their families. This morning was a circus as we made sure everything had been packed into the right bags and suitcases were ready to be collected. I’m happy to be kept busy, because while they might be ready to go, I’m not ready to say good-bye to my gang, which I’ve successfully kept alive and mostly free from injury.
If I think about the fact they’re not going to be around tonight I might start crying.
Freya and Sadia are cutting off the circulation to my legs as they both perch on my thighs, wiggling around to get a good view atEmilia’s cell phone screen as we wait for the Brown Bears’ turn to be collected.
Poppy is showing us Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, and the girls are enthralled. They both know Emilia’s girlfriend has a surprise for her, but they don’t know what and they’re super excited. Trusting two small children with a secret is like trusting the guys to be around when someone’s sick or there’s a blocked toilet—a terrible idea.
The rest of the campers are outside playing flag football with the guys, but Emilia and I are tired after working the night shift with twenty overstimulated kids last night.
I’ve been excited for this reveal for weeks, since I was the one who organized it. I know how much Emilia has missed Poppy this summer, and I’m certain there were times when she was playing her millionth game of tetherball, dealing with homesick kids, and trying to work out if there’s an animal in the kids’ cabin, when she wished she’d gone to Europe, too.
She’s been so supportive of me pursuing things with Russ, which made the whole sneaking-around thing so much easier. Thankfully, she actually likes spending time with Xander. She’s even planning to invite him to visit us when we’re all back at college.
The sky is totally gray in London, despite the fact it’s August, which doesn’t set the greatest scene for Poppy’s news. Her smile is practically taking over her whole face as she announces the surprise. “You’re coming to London!”
“What!” Emilia shouts. “When?”
“Tomorrow!” Poppy shouts back.
Emilia looks like she’s going to burst into tears, so I usher the girls to their feet, taking them back outside to give Emilia and Poppy some privacy.
They sit beside me on the bench while we watch the football game. Russ is cheering on Billy, a more introverted kid who hatedteam sports nine weeks ago, as he scores a touchdown. He high-fives him, praising him as the kids who I presume are also on Billy’s team jump on him.
Somebody make my ovaries shut up.
“Will you and Russ go to London?” Freya asks, plaiting the ends of my hair.
“No, sweetie. Russ is going to visit his friend JJ at his new house, and I’m going to a place called Palm Springs because my dad is getting married.”
