Page 56 of Dirty Liars
I already know.
The moment I have feared the most has come upon me, and I don’t have any fucks left to give.
I already lost what matters to me the most.
Let them throw me in juvie. Let them tarnish my name. I came here to go to this school; to start a new life … but what I ended up finding was so much more than that. I found acceptance. I found a family.
I fought for that. I nearly died for that,twice. I was humiliated, shamed, tortured; all for nothing. All for naught.
I can hear Sadie’s father before I see him. If the whole school didn’t already know what happened, they will soon.
“I don’t give a damn who she is or why she’s doing it, she’s a criminal and we’re going to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law!”
There’s a murmur of another voice in the room there with him. I think it’s Ms. Mason, the school secretary. I can’t make out what she says, but from the tone it’s pretty clear that she’s trying to calm him down.
It only makes him even more furious. He starts shouting something more, but then we open the door and I step inside. His outrage ends in a strangled half syllable as soon as he lays eyes on me.
Mr. and Mrs. White both freeze in place and stare at me in total disbelief.
I know the traumatic effect that the sight of me must be for them. I really do look alotlike Sadie. I wouldn’t have come this far if I didn’t.
Just one more set of people to hurt and disappoint.
They don’t move. I don’t move. I don’t know what to say or do, because nothing can make this right. Not now. Dr. Baxter walks around to his desk and sits behind it.
I’ve never felt so bad in all my life as I do at this moment, standing here before these two people impersonating their dead daughter. I’m the worst person on the planet. The guilt overtakes me and I start to cry, and that only makes me feel worse because I’m not thinking of what I did to them anymore. I’m thinking of what I did to the others. To Astor. To Blair. To Wills.
I made them trust me, and I betrayed them.
My voice comes out in a jumbled, bleary mess of snot and tears.
“I’m so sorry. I really am. I never meant to—I never meant to hurt anyone.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. “I just—"
Mr. White cuts me off. His face, already red from shouting, turns a deep shade of scarlet. He gets to his feet, shaking not from tears like I am, but from rage.
“Howdareyou? How dare you stand there, looking like that, like her, taking her name, taking her place in this school! How—”
I’m prepared to take his abuse. I deserve it.
But then Mrs. White holds up an arm and rests it on her husband’s shoulder.
“Stop, please. I just want to look at her.” She looks me in the eyes and motions for me to come closer. Her own eyes well with tears at the sight of me, and I know that in the grand scheme of things I’ll be going straight to hell about one second after I take my last breath, which is probably coming sooner rather than later.
Kids like me don’t last long in juvie, or after.
But I do as she requests. I can’t look straight at her. I can’t look the woman I’ve stolen so much from in the eye. I promised myself I would never do it, never steal from the people who help me … but here I am. I’ve stolen more than I can ever replace.
She reaches out and strokes a strand of my hair.
“My god,” she murmurs. “You really do look just like her.”
I feel a stab of pain in my stomach. I can’t imagine how it feels to see me here, the spitting image of her dead daughter. I tried to replace something that cannot,should not, be replaced … and for that, I am truly damned.
But then Mrs. White turns to her husband and I’m sure I don’t hear her right when she speaks.
“Why not?” She looks at Mr. White, then Mr. Baxter and Ms. Mason. “I mean really … why not?”
Mr. White stares at her like she’s just lost her marbles. “What are you talking about? What do you mean, why not?” he asks, his voice a little softer, but not by much.
