Page 177 of Untying the Knot
Our future is hard to predict. I’m floating between loving this man to the end of time and fearful that the moment I take him back and ask for a second chance at love, he’ll retreat into himself again. Leaving me very much alone.
This new opportunity is a direct example of that. It would solidify our time in California because I’m sure he’d have to be close to a studio. There’d be no chance we’d return to Chicago. I wouldn’t be near Nichole, and I would still probably be miserable.
I’m not sure I could suffer through that again.
But when he looks at me, when he holds me, when he’s so deep inside me I feel like he’s touching my soul, I know there’s no way I’ll ever be able to let him go because I love him more than anything. And I’m not sure anything will change that.
I pick up a croissant, spread some jam on it, and instead of sitting next to him on the bed, I opt for a chair across the room. I pull my legs up into my chest and munch on my croissant.
And we both sit in silence, him eating his breakfast while I munch on mine.
* * *
Myla:Nichole, I don’t know what to do.
Nichole:What’s going on?
Myla:Today is the wedding, and it feels like this impending bomb is about to explode. Like I need to decide by the stroke of midnight, and I . . . I don’t know what’s going on in my head, or in my heart. It’s all so confusing. And then Ryot got some news yesterday that has really put a damper on things.
Nichole:What kind of news?
Myla:He got a segment on ESPN titled The Jock Report, where he brings in stories from the app. It’s a pretty huge deal because it puts them in the mainstream media.
Nichole:Wow, that’s huge. He must be thrilled.
Myla:That’s the thing, he’s not. He’s worried about me. He’s apologized about the news, told me he didn’t know. Have I made him that paranoid?
Nichole:From what I know of him and the situation, I’d say he’s probably worried that you’re thinking . . . “wow, another thing The Jock Report will take.” And this is all happening when he’s trying to figure things out with you. It probably scared him more than anything.
Myla:I guess I didn’t look at it that way. That makes me sad because he should be happy about this. Despite everything that’s gone down, this is a big accomplishment.
Nichole:Have you told him that?
Myla:No. I brushed him off until tomorrow because I wanted to enjoy this last day. But it’s ruined anyway. I’m down by the pool, and he’s across the patio talking to Banner. They’ve been there all morning.
Nichole:Ignoring it is making it worse. Seems like you need to at least tell him that you’re proud of him because, if anything, you are . . . right? Despite what you went through for him to accomplish this, you’re still proud?
Myla:There’s resentment there, but if I push past that, I am proud of him. He’s one of the hardest workers I know, and even though he forgot about our promises to each other to create something of this magnitude, I am proud.
Nichole:It might help if you say that. I’m not saying you need to go crazy and congratulate him with a celebration, but I think if you two are going to move on—apart or together—you have to at least acknowledge that the smattering of promises wasn’t in vain.
Myla:You’re right. And maybe if I say that, he won’t be so awkward. We had such a good night last night, and I feel like it’s getting muddied by this new thing.
Nichole:Can I ask where your head is at when it comes to him?
Myla:I don’t know. I’m so terrified to let go, but I’m also still upset. Although, I was having drinks with Kelsey and Lottie last night and something crossed my mind. Remember when those Internet trolls attacked me for my body size and how I didn’t deserve someone like Ryot?
Nichole:Yes, don’t get me started on that because I will fume all over again.
Myla:Well, I remember him saying that he wished there was a place where he didn’t have to rely on an algorithm to get his word out, that he could tell the truth through something like . . . a text. That’s where that part of the app was developed. I always thought The Jock Report was started because of the way Ryot retired and how Penn was being slandered by the media, but I think . . . I think it was created after that incident.
Nichole:Oh, I remember that conversation. He was livid.
Myla:Just made me think differently, you know? And then Kelsey said she really wants me to work with her on designing interiors.
Nichole:That’s pretty fucking cool. What did you say?
Myla:Not much. I mean, I don’t want to stay here, Nichole. I want to be back in Chicago.
