Page 160 of Untying the Knot
“You don’t need to text him. You can do this,” Nichole says through the phone. She’s currently in New York City on a work trip.
“I can’t,” I say as I rock back and forth on my couch. “He texted me this morning, telling me about his day, and that if I’m free, he’d love to see me.”
“He’s texted you every day since you broke up with him, multiple times a day. Today is no different.”
“Today is different,” I say. “Today is the only day my dad’s executor can meet up with Mom and me. She’s already made comments to me about Ryot. About how he’s lucky that he got away when he could, something she assumed since he didn’t show up to the funeral. She’s been so cruel, Nichole. And this is awful, but I just want to prove her wrong. I want to show her that everything is okay.”
“You are strong, Myla. You don’t need to pretend.”
I shake my head even though she can’t see me. “No, I’m not strong.” My hands tremble as I think about having to be in the same room as my mom. “I wish I was. I wish I could show up unattached and act like whatever she’s going to say to me won’t hurt, but I’m too raw. With just the right insult, just the right shitty comment, I know I won’t survive it.”
It’s been a week since the funeral and since I broke up with Ryot. And it’s been the hardest week of my life. Dealing with losing my father, being shaken to my core about his second life, reeling from the backhand of my mother, and shutting out Ryot, I’m at a breaking point.
“You’re stronger than you think you are,” Nichole says.
“Nichole,” I say softly as tears spring to my eyes. “I am so scared, so terrified to be in the same room as her, that I have thrown up twice now. I want to believe in my heart that I can do this, but I know, deep down in my soul, that I can’t. I think I need to text him.”
“You’re going to confuse him. Plus, I thought you were moving on. I didn’t think you wanted to be attached to him. Not to mention, I don’t want to see him hurt you again.”
“I don’t know if he hurt me, or if I hurt myself,” I say, the confession slipping off my tongue since I’ve been thinking about it the past couple of days.
“He wasn’t there for you.”
“He was,” I answer as tears stream down my face. “Just in a different way, and I think that’s something I need to come to terms with.”
“He’s going to hurt you.”
“No, Nichole. You’re the one who’s hurting me right now. I’m telling you that I need him for support. I need him to pretend to be with me to make it through a few hours with my mother, and you shouldn’t be making me feel bad about that.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to put things in perspective for you. You’re hurt right now and—”
“Nichole, this isn’t up for debate. I’m meeting my mom in an hour. I don’t even know if he’s free. I can’t physically get off the couch right now because I’m shaking like a leaf. If you were here, I would take you, but you aren’t. That leaves him.”
She’s silent for a second and then finally, “Okay, if you think you need him, I don’t want you to do this alone. But just be careful, okay?”
“I will.” I say my goodbyes and then stare down at my phone.
I hover over Ryot’s name and debate if I should do this or not. I know that if I don’t show up, my mom will believe she’s won. And I don’t want that. If I show up alone, she’s going to think the same thing, that she won, that I’m such a disappointment in life, thatI can’t even keep a boyfriend.
Any option is a loss for me.
I might as well call him.
On a deep breath, I tap his name and bring the phone to my ear. After the second ring, his voice comes through. “Myla, hey, is everything okay?”
Just hearing his voice makes my nausea roar to life, because I missed it. I missed him.
“Umm . . . Ryot?” I say, my voice tight. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Anything, baby. Ask me anything.”
With that simple word, baby, I burst into tears.
* * *
“Thank you for picking me up,”I say as I get into Ryot’s SUV.
“Of course.” He turns toward me and those soulful eyes of his split my heart in two. I’ve missed them. Missed his fresh soap smell, his smile, his touch, his voice. Everything. “Are you okay?”
