Page 159 of Untying the Knot
He nods in understanding, and I hold my breath, waiting for him to get mad, to show an ounce of anger, because frankly, he has to be frustrated. We both are. But he doesn’t.
“How about this?” His hand slides up my side, to my ribs, dragging my shirt with him. “Instead of trying to pick a direction for which way we’ll be going, why don’t we just take this one day at a time, one hour if you want? Just continue to connect, be honest, and see what happens?”
I can see it in those sparkling eyes of his that he doesn’t want to let go. Even though he said he would before we left for Napa. To my face, in his letter.
And I told Nichole . . . I wasn’t sure if I could let go either. Yet I’m not sure I can stay.
My silence must worry him because he adds, “Just one moment at a time, Myla.”
My eyes meet his, and I ask, “That won’t give you hope?”
“No.” He shakes his head, but I don’t fully believe him. “I just want to spend some time with you. Even if it’s a farewell, at least I get to remember this time with you and part ways wishing you joy and happiness.”
Something about the desperation in his voice, and the compromising just to keep talking to me, makes me feel so fucking guilty. I know he’s not trying to make me feel that way, but we’re both in a tough spot, and I know I’m waffling. I should have a clear-cut answer for him, but I don’t.
“I’m sorry, Ryot.”
Panic envelops his irises as his eyes bounce back and forth, looking at me.
Looking for answers.
He swallows hard and says, “Why are you sorry?”
“Because, instead of being a mentally strong person, you must deal with my past trauma, which doesn’t allow me to give you a straight answer. I wish I could, but I’m scared. Damaged. Afraid.” Terrified of feeling so utterly abandoned by the man who swore he’d never leave me. My dad’s true life blindsided me at the funeral, but I’m still unable to fully forgive him for leaving me with Mom when he did. He must have known what she did to me. He heard all the things she said and didn’t defend me.His silence felt like abandonment. And Ryot’s silence triggered that.
“Listen to me,” he says with such strength that it impresses me. I wish I could be as strong as he is. “From the very beginning, I told you I’d help carry your baggage, that you didn’t have to walk alone. And I meant that. I understand what you’ve gone through, and I know how that affects your everyday life. I’m not blind to that, and I knew that going into this relationship. I’m the one who lost sight of it all.”
“You shouldn’t have to babysit me,” I say, feeling ashamed by my past.
“I never babysat you, Myla,” he says. “Marriage is a partnership. We both carry each other in separate ways like you said at dinner. You gave just as much to this relationship as I have. We’ve patched up each other’s wounds, we’ve guided each other through the dark and through the comfort, and when it came down to it, we were each other’s number ones. That’s what falling in love is for, Myla, the give and the take, the partnership, the knowledge that no matter the circumstances, you don’t have to walk alone.”
Tears spring to my eyes, and I let them fall down my cheeks with one blink.
“Baby, why are you crying?” he asks, tugging me closer so we’re only a few inches apart.
“It’s just so much,” I say. “All of it. Everything you’re saying right now makes me believe that things could be okay between us, but you . . . you hurt me, Ryot.”
He presses his lips together as his legs tangle with mine. I can tell he’s drawing closer because he doesn’t want to lose me. “I know. And sorry just isn’t good enough, but I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know how to get over that hurt.” My tears hit my pillow. “But I don’t know how to let go either. You’re the one person who can break me, but also the one person who can put me back together.”
He slides his hand higher and says, “If you let me, I’ll put you back together, Myla, and swear to never break you again. Putusback together. You’re right about the Napa bubble, and when we get back, let’s sit down and talk aboutourfuture. How to incorporateourdreams.I want to do it right. With you.”
“I want to believe you, Ryot. I really do.” I drag my hand over his chest. He’s literally just spoken the very words I should have heard so many months ago.“Let’s sit down and talk about our future. How to incorporate our dreams. I want to do it right. With you.”And it’s not that I feel they’ve come too late. It’s more that I’m not confident they will come to fruition. So, instead of dashing his heart here, I’ll be leaning toward the compromise and hoping he doesn’t realize I’m ignoring this option. “Okay. So maybe . . . maybe we do just take this one moment at a time.”
I can see the hope spring to his eyes. “Yeah? One moment at a time?”
It’s scary to think that I’m even considering this, but it’s scarier to believe that this might be the last time I see him, so I nod. “Yes, one moment at a time.”
His shoulders deflate as if he’s been holding his breath this entire time, and he pulls me in even closer so our bodies line up. “One moment, baby. I’ll take it.” And then he closes the rest of the space between us and kisses me lightly. Our lips barely mold together before he moves me so I’m on my back, and he hovers above me, his strong, muscular body trapping me into a warm cocoon.
And as his mouth descends upon mine, his lips trailing along my jaw, my neck, and down between my legs, I hope and pray the entire time . . . please don’t let him hurt me again.Please show up. And then please stay present.
ChapterTwenty
MYLA
Six years ago . . .
