Page 113 of Untying the Knot
It’s almost as if she’s given up, surrendered, and now she’s simply going through the motions.
I don’t want to make her mad, go into detail about how she’s feeling, or ask how she came to this conclusion because I know it won’t get me anywhere. So instead, I reach over to her, take her hand in mine, and give it a squeeze.
“Thank you, Myla. This means a lot to me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I appreciate it.”
She doesn’t say anything.
She just looks out the window.
So I do the same.
* * *
“Dude,what the hell is going on?” Banner asks as he meets me in the bathroom.
Yup, guys gather in the bathroom too. It’s not just women.
“I don’t know.” I push my hand through my hair as I lean against the wallpapered wall of the most elaborate men’s bathroom I think I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been to my fair share of nice places. “She said a deal was a deal but, fuck, man, that kiss.” I shake my head. “I felt it to my very soul.”
“It looked real as shit.”
“It was,” I say as Banner walks up to me. “It felt so goddamn real, like nothing has changed between us. Absolutely nothing.”
“So what did change?” he asks, and this is where I hang my head low.
“Me,” I answer. “I’m the thing that changed and not for the better.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, folding his arms.
“I really fucked up, man. I was so focused on what I was going to do to make myself feel better about retiring early that I didn’t think about what I was supposed to be doing when I retired. It was supposed to be about Myla and me. I stepped all over that.Wehad plans for my retirement, and I completely neglected her by making decisions for myself. Not for us.”
“Wait, you didn’t talk to your wife about what you planned on doing?”
“I mean, I did, but I didn’t talk about it, talk about it. Just skimmed. It wasn’t up for discussion, and I can see now how that was a huge fucking mistake.”
“Well, shit, I could have told you that was dumb.”
“Yeah, thanks for the input.” I push off the wall.
“Well, what now?”
“I have no fucking clue. I’m still reeling from that kiss. A part of me wants to see if something is still there, but I already signed the papers, I apologized, and I told her she could be free, which I know is what she wants. I don’t want to get in the way of her happiness because I’m too scared to let go.”
“You signed the papers?”
I nod. “It was the only way I knew how to make things better, to give her a sliver of relief from the hell I’ve put her through. She wanted out, man. I could see it all over her face and how she spoke the truth to me. I didn’t want to stand in the way anymore. Holding this wedding over her was stupid, and trying to win her back was stupid. I should have let her go when she first asked.”
“But you still love her.”
“Doesn’t matter. Love isn’t enough in this situation,” I mutter. “And now, fuck, now she’s here, doing me a goddamn favor, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold it together. I’m already a mess.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed, but you know, I didn’t want to say anything.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“Do you think there’s a chance you can still salvage this?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so.” Although that kiss felt so fucking real, even though it was probably all for show.
