Page 123 of Tattered (Lark Cove 1)

“It’s not about the things, Logan.” I started pacing. “Or money. It’s about our lifestyle.”

“And I’m telling you that we can have any lifestyle you want. If you don’t want to live in the penthouse, we’ll move. If you want to live where there’s more space, we can buy a home out here, and I’ll commute to work. Whatever you want, we can have it here.”

“But that’s just it. I don’t want here.” I pointed to the floor. “I don’t want to live in New York.”

His forehead furrowed. “Why?”

“Because I hate it here.” My hands came to my heart as the truth came out. “Everything about New York just makes me feel like less. It makes me small. It reminds me of how powerless I was back then. No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t get ahead.”

No matter how nice or polite or happy I appeared, no one would ever give me a home. Every young couple who came into the orphanage left without a backward glance. Yet each time someone came in, I’d been foolish enough to hope that they’d pick me.

Years of shattered hopes had finally crushed my spirit. If Hazel hadn’t come along, I doubted I’d have even a shred of it left.

Logan reached for me but I kept pacing. “It doesn’t have to be like that ever again, Thea. You don’t ever have to work. You can do your artwork here. We’ll get your pieces into a gallery. You don’t have to mix a drink ever again or pour another beer.”

“No.” The burn in my throat was choking me, but I swallowed it down. “It’s not about my job. And I don’t want to be in galleries. I don’t want art to be my job. I do it for me, and that’s it. It’s about living a life I created. One that I’m proud of.”

“And you couldn’t be proud to live with me here?” The pain in his voice gutted me.

“I’m always proud to be with you.” I walked to the bed and put my hands on his face, making him look me in the eye so he knew how true that was. “Always. But this isn’t about you. It’s about me.”

I let him go and sat back down by his side, this time taking his hand in both of mine.

“I have three thousand, seventy-four dollars and fifty-one cents in my checking account.” I’d memorized the number this morning, just like I did every day. “Every penny came from mixing drinks and pouring beer. Running the Lark Cove Bar isn’t just my job. It’s my passion.”

His eyebrows came together. “Your passion?”

“My passion.” I nodded. “When I left the city, I had nothing. Not in the literal sense, though I didn’t have much, but I had nothing in here.” I placed his hand on my heart. “No confidence. No strength. I was so lonely and broken and tired. The only thing keeping me going was Charlie. Knowing that she was growing inside of me and needed me to keep pushing.”

His face softened and he placed his free hand on top of mine.

“She saved me, in so many ways. She gave me this ambition and this drive to give her everything in my power. She made me fearless. Because of her, I built us a life that I’m proud of and it all started at the bar.”

When I’d gotten to Montana, I think Hazel had taken one look at me and known I needed a project. I’d always been a hard worker, at school or at whatever job I’d been in. But I’d had no ownership in them. Hazel had handed over the keys to the bar and led me to the office. She’d stood in the doorway, pointed to a desk buried in papers and said fix it.

Three days after that, I’d come home to find her cleaning out the garden shed so I could have it for my art. She’d given me a proper place to create instead of the orphanage’s kitchen table where she’d watched me draw so many years before.

I leaned into Logan, who was waiting patiently for me to continue. “That place means a lot to me. I’ve taken it from barely paying expenses to making money for me, Jackson and Hazel. I didn’t have a fancy education. Charlie learned things in kindergarten last year that I didn’t learn until third or fourth grade. But I worked my ass off, researching and experimenting and running that business. I’m proud of what it’s become.”

“You should be.” He kissed my forehead, his praise making it even harder not to cry. “If you want to run a business here, we can make that happen. I’ll buy—”

“No, Logan.” I stopped him. “Not here. I know I’m not doing a good job of explaining it, but I feel different here. Like the past is weighing me down. All those self-doubts and insecurities have come back.”

“It won’t always be like that. Give it time,” he pleaded.

“Maybe. Maybe this all seems silly and after a year or two here, it wouldn’t be like that anymore. But it’s more than just bad memories. If we left, I’d have to say good-bye to Hazel and Jackson, and I honestly don’t think I can. They’re my family. I worked . . .” I choked back more tears. “I worked so hard to find a family, Logan. I don’t want to give them up.”

I didn’t want to be thousands of miles away if Hazel’s health started to fail or if Jackson finally found love.

“I’m worried that if I stay and I’m unhappy, I’ll start to resent you.” I held tighter to his hand. “And so would Charlie.”

He hung his head. “She’s miserable, isn’t she?”

“She loves you. I think she’d put herself through all the dresses and uncomfortable shoes in the world if you asked her to. But . . .”

“But I won’t,” he whispered.

And that was why I loved him completely. His love for our daughter. He’d known Charlie for weeks and already put her happiness first.