Page 31 of Damiano De Luca (The Five Syndicates)
I chose not to wonder why he entertained me. Instead, I turned, walked up the steps of the limestone structure, and smiled at the night guard when he opened the door for me and Damian. “It’s upstairs.”
This was a bad idea. I knew this, but I didn’t stop. Trying to stop this would be like trying to stop lightning from striking the ground. I was only human, and any effort to do so would only get me hurt.
We passed the main reading room, which looked like the dining hall in Harry Potter, and I led him up the stairs, past dozens of rooms full of books, and into my little nook. In the early- to mid-1900s, secret apartments emerged across New York libraries for live-in caretakers. This one had become my sanctuary when I stayed in the city, but I didn’t stop to think about the implications of sharing it with Damian.
He leaned against one of the stacks that surrounded my full-sized bed as I stripped down to my underwear and tossed an oversized shirt over my torso. It fell down to the top of my thighs, and I considered throwing on sweats, but there was no point. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t already seen from me.
When I turned to face him, his eyes weren’t on my body like I had thought they would be. They remained transfixed on the diamond resting on my ring finger until I slid under my covers, hiding the rock beneath the duvet.
The ensuing silence made me uneasy.
“When I wake up, I’ll meet with Bastian and relay a course of action.” Damian’s eyes scanned the shelf next to the bed, and he dragged a finger across the worn book spines. He flipped through the stack of books I had put aside for myself. A small smile tipped the corners of his lips when he saw Dostoevsky, the first book we’d read together.
I cleared my throat until he stopped his snooping. “He’s gonna wonder what your interest is. Will you tell him she’s your sister?”
“No. I’ll use the situation to leverage a favor or two from him.”
“Smoke and mirrors. It’s ballsy.”
“It’ll work.” A beat passed, and Damian took a step back. “Why am I really here, Knight?” He stared at me with naked desire and something else I didn’t dare consider.
I debated lying, and I should have, but there were already too many lies between us. Keeping track of them tired me. “I didn’t like that look in your eyes earlier. Like your world had flipped, and you had no control.”
“Knight.” He shook his head, but it wasn’t disappointment in his eyes. “Always trying to save me.” He didn’t sound mad about it. Just matter of fact.
I would have preferred anger. At least then, it wouldn’t feel like he knew me too well.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t trust myself to. People heard the word “saving” and associated it with victims. But no sane person could see Damian as a victim—myself included. He just had this pain buried deep inside of him, and I wanted to be the person who took it away. Call me selfish, but it was just as much for me as it was for him.
I shouldn’t have come to New York. This wasn’t fair for either of us. I couldn’t be near him without wanting to be with him, and he... too many people in his life had let him down. Perhaps me most of all.
Damian’s eyes latched onto the paperback beside my pillow.
I considered hiding it before grabbing the book and tossing it to the foot of the bed. I nodded my head at it. “Go ahead.”
I didn’t breathe as he took a step closer.
He took a seat on the mattress. “The Toynbee Convector.” He cleared his throat, and it took him a moment to continue speaking. “Which story are you reading in the collection?”
My toes curled as his hip brushed against my leg. “Not the one you’re thinking.” My eyes drifted shut. “I’m halfway through ‘One Night in Your Life.’”
Another lie.
Stop it with the lies, Renata.
You’re better than this.
He deserves better, too.
Yesterday, I had finished “The Toynbee Convector,” the short story the collection had been named after. But it was a story from our past, one we had shared in the De Luca library in Devils Ridge. Mentioning it would bring up memories I had forced myself to forget. I couldn’t go there, even though we both knew his presence here already blurred lines.
“I know what you’re doing.”
My heartbeat picked up. “Nothing.”
Gosh, when had I become such a liar?
I turned until I faced the wall, away from him. I could still feel his body heat against my legs. “I’m doing nothing.”
