Page 10 of Niccolaio Andretti (The Five Syndicates)
From the person I hate.
Chapter Five
The truth will set you free,
but first it will piss you off.
Joe Klaas
I focus on the pedestrians as the Uber I’m in sits behind a red light. Across the street, two men catch my attention. One looks to be in his mid-thirties, and the other can’t be any more than a few years older than Mina’s twelve years.
My eyes narrow as I watch the older man hand a few bills to the kid. The kid loo
ks at the money for a moment before pocketing the bills, reaching into the brown cardboard box before him, and handing what looks like a foil-wrapped chocolate bar to the man.
To the untrained eye, the whole exchange looks innocent enough—just a poor kid trying to earn some money selling chocolate bars and a wealthy man trying to help. But to my eyes, I see what’s really happening.
Actually, I’m intimately familiar with what’s happening.
After all, I used to be that kid.
I suppress the urge to look around the streets. Somewhere on this street is this kid’s boss, be it a parent of his, a neighborhood dealer, or some other scumbag who thinks it’s okay to use kids to deal drugs.
A part of me wants to open the door and help the kid out, to get him away from the mess he’s in. But I don’t. Instead, I sit silently as the Uber driver pulls away from the congested street, because like most things in life, it’s too complicated. There are too many variables and way too much uncertainty.
If I helped the kid, I could have done more damage than good. Social Services would come, and who knows? Maybe I’d be separating the kid from an older sibling who’s trying her best to get her and her brother out of that mess.
Or maybe I’d be separating the kid from a younger sibling that has yet to be born. Then, I’d be robbing a child of a future protector, and that’s the absolute last thing I want to do.
That last thought has me contemplating the next few weeks. My impending graduation looms ahead of me like a lighthouse, but instead of leading me to shore, it’s causing my brain to go afloat. The closer and closer I get, the more lost I feel.
Don’t get me wrong. I know where I’m going. Before I graduate, I’ll find a new place to live, I’ll find a part time job while I study for my LSATs. And if all goes well, I’ll apply to and get into Wilton’s accelerated law school program for my juris doctor, which would help me get my law degree in one year instead of two.
Meanwhile, I’ll also be working John, and eventually, he’ll propose. Once he does, I’ll have a stable home environment and the financial means to file for custody of Mina. I’ll also be well on my way to achieving a stable career.
That’s the plan. It’s relatively straightforward, and the steps are quite clear and simple enough to follow...
But the problem is that I don’t want to.
I don’t want to study for my LSATs.
I don’t want to get my juris doctor.
And I certainly don’t want to marry John.
Instead, I want to enjoy my youth, to savor it and do the things people my age usually do.
And that makes me feel so angry and guilty and lost.
Because I know for a fact that I love Mina, and I truly do want to find a way for us to be together. But if I really wanted that… I wouldn’t have any problems with my plans, right? I wouldn’t be second guessing myself every other second.
I wouldn’t be feeling like this right now.
So, with each second closer to graduation, I feel increasingly disoriented. I can see my future, clearer and clearer, and it looks so darn bleak. I want to turn the other way, to take a U-turn and get lost at sea.
Because anything—anything—has to be better than pursuing a job I don’t want to pursue, than marrying someone I don’t want to marry.
That’s why, when the Uber driver pulls up to the front of John’s brownstone, I stay in the car, my hands shaking and my resolve trembling. I try to take deep breaths in and out, but they do nothing to calm me.
