Page 119 of Devious Lies (Cruel Crown)
The inflexible work hours forced me to take classes I hated, but they didn’t kill me.
The extra responsibility racked me with anxiety, but it didn’t kill me.
The sleep deprivation made paying attention in class close to impossible, but it didn’t kill me.
The hunger pains bothered me, but they didn’t kill me.
At the end of the day, I didn’t regret paying for Demi.
It was the right thing to do.
I was a hollowed-out tree, long past death, and I had found a way to grow a leaf.
Nothing made me more agitated than talking about Sisyphus with Ben.
Not hunger.
Not poverty.
Not Virginia.
Not Dad.
Not even Nash Prescott.
Ben saw Sisyphus as having been punished, but I knew Sisyphus was smart.
Cunning.
A planner.
Here’s my take: Sisyphus created an empire. He was a human, yet he ruled the winds. He tricked gods and goddesses. Even Death feared him.
Sisyphus wanted his punishment; otherwise, he would have escaped it, too. Sisyphus chose not to, and each day, he got to reach heights no other mortal man could.
Through his punishment, he was the never-ending battle of the sea, the constant rise and fall of the tides, the cycle of the moon and the sun. His punishment immortalized him. Placed him in the company of gods and goddesses. Gave him the power of a god, too.
Ben didn’t see it that way, and no matter how much I wanted to shake him and demand he wake up, I couldn’t. I scrolled through our messages, resisting the urge to run out into the rain and let it drown my screams.
Benkinersophobia: What do you think about regret?
Durga: Regret is endless. That’s why it’s life’s longest punishment. There’s no way to fight it. You just learn to live with it.
Benkinersophobia: Like Sisyphus, destined to carry the boulder for eternity.
Durga: He could stop it if he wanted.
Benkinersophobia: It wouldn’t be a punishment if you can choose when it ends.
Durga: It’s not a punishment. It’s a test. Sisyphus has to prove he is worthy of the gods. By continuing to roll the boulder uphill, he is immortalized, a never-ending cycle, experiencing heights no other mortal has, in a place built by gods for gods. If he beats the test and levels the mountain by chipping a piece off each trip, he tricks Zeus once again. Either way, he has won.
Benkinersophobia: So, why would he choose to roll the boulder instead of leveling the mountain?
Durga: Sometimes, the struggle is important. Struggle changes people more than success.
I’d spent the past two days trying to explain this to Ben, but it was useless. He’d set his mind on condemning himself. I didn’t understand why, and I felt powerless to help him.
I rolled my bottom lip into my mouth, scraping my teeth against it just to feel the bite, wishing I could distract him from his demons. I hoped Ben considered me his escape as much as I considered him to be mine.
