Page 55 of Some Sort of Love (Happy Crazy Love 3)
It was scary as fuck.
• • •
Scotty fell asleep briefly in the car on the way home, but he woke up when the car stopped and refused to go back to sleep in his bed, even though all his usual comforts were there. He’d gotten himself too worked up to feel calm, and I had to lie down with him in my bed with my arms wrapped around him like a baby simply to get him to stop moving. When his body and mind finally were settled, he played with my ear as he drifted off and I felt bad again for being angry about tonight. He didn’t ask that much of me, and he struggled to feel good about himself in so many ways. School this week had not gone well…he threw his pencil again during a math test, refused to do a writing assignment after getting frustrated with corrections, cried twice, and shut down once. He actually wet himself on Thursday morning (the day of the test) in an attempt to miss the bus, but I’d cleaned him up and driven him to school. He’d seemed happy enough at swim therapy and during dinner Friday evening, so I’d hoped Saturday night would be fine, but I’d been wrong.
You should have canceled tonight. You said you’d only do it if he had a good enough week, and you knew in your heart he hadn’t. You convinced yourself he’d be fine just so you could get what you wanted, and that’s fucking selfish and mean.
Fuck! My stomach churned. Had I been mean to make him sleep away from home so I could wake up with Jillian? Did it serve me right that it wouldn’t happen? Maybe this was the universe telling me to be thankful for what I had and not look for anything else.
I hoped not…I loved her. I needed her.
But maybe that was selfish too.
I went back to bed, missing the warmth of Levi’s body next to mine, the sound of his voice in my ear, the press of his lips against my skin. The scent of him clung to my sheets, so I did too, gathering them up in my arms and snuggling them as if they could snuggle back.
It was a poor substitute.
I tried my hardest not to resent the fact that he'd had to leave, but it was difficult. I’d been so excited about having the whole night together. It wasn’t that I was angry with anyone—I completely understood and didn’t blame Scotty, Levi, or his sister—so maybe resentment isn’t what I felt. Maybe it was plain old disappointment. Sadness. A little envy for any girl who got to spend every night in the arms of the person she loved. I just wanted one night. One.
Quit being selfish. So you didn’t get exactly what you wanted. So what? You had a lot more time than you’ve ever had together, and like you said—it’s about quality, not quantity. Think of all the things he said to you, the way he opened his heart. That’s worth something. That’s worth everything, isn’t it?
I wanted it to be, and I believed that he loved me, but I couldn’t shake this nagging fear that he was going to decide I wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to juggle everything in his life to fit me into it. Like he said, he hadn’t been looking for love, hadn’t needed it or wanted it. Why should I think I’d be enough to change that?
I slept fitfully and woke up to the sound of rain against my window. The clock said it was only eight thirty, so I tried going back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Eventually I gave up on sleep and made coffee, deciding to get a jump-start on my day.
Around nine thirty, I was sitting at the breakfast counter with my laptop open when my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning.” Hearing his voice warmed my insides, and I couldn’t help smiling. “How are you?”
“Tired. How are you?”
“Good, a little tired. How’s Scotty?”
“It was a rough night. But he was up at six thirty like nothing happened.”
“Wow. That’s early. And you did all that driving last night, no wonder you’re tired.”
“All the what I did last night?”
I laughed. “Exactly.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” My eyes strayed from the counter over to the fridge, and my stomach whooshed. “Are you going to church?”
“Oh, yes. We don’t vary the schedule around here simply because Daddy got no sleep. The world might end.”
“Poor Daddy. Maybe you can get a nap in later.”
He sighed. “I’ll try. But there’s homework and laundry and other stuff too.”
“I wish I could help you.” I looked around at my condo, which was beautifully furnished and always clean, but often felt empty and too quiet on weekends.
“Me too. What are you up to today?”
