Page 91 of Lick

My mouth drops open in shock. Who the hell is this guy? I remember once asking Dan to pick me up some tampons from the supermarket, and you’d have thought I asked him to pick them up from the second-hand store.

“Come on, we don’t want to be late.”

I take him at his word and follow him out. The man is a contradiction for sure. I remind myself that I’m mad at him, but it’s times like this that make it harder. I keep comparing him to Dan, and I hate it, but it’s impossible not to. I forgave Dan the first time I found out he’d cheated, and he took my forgiveness as acceptance. I humbled myself for a man that didn’t deserve it, and I’ll be damned if I do it again. Once a cheat, always a cheat, right? I learned that lesson the hard way.

He turns the radio on and hums along to the song, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. I can’t help but secretly watch him, wondering when I’ll build up some kind of immunity to the effect he has on me. It feels like a kick in the ovaries for my head to flip him off with one finger while my heart beckons him with another.

By the time we get to the hospital, I can’t wait to get out of the car. As soon as the car stops, I jump out. Or I try to. I remember at the last minute to unhook my seatbelt, feeling my face flush with embarrassment as I finally manage to get out. I take a deep breath, silently chastising myself for being an idiot.

“You okay?” Lick asks as he comes around the car.

I nod. “I’m good. Great, actually.”

He shakes his head, looking amused, before taking my hand. I try to pull free, but he tightens his grip, tugging me towards the entrance. I give in, knowing when to pick my battles. Besides, the closer we get, the more nervous I become.

In the weeks that we’ve been home, I’ve done nothing but think about this moment. Now I’m worried it’s too soon and something will happen, and we won’t be able to get Kendrick back to the hospital in time.

I feel my heart speed up, and my breathing becomes laboured. My steps falter as we enter the lift. By the time we start to ascend, I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.

And then there he is, pressing me into the corner, making the big, scary world just a little bit smaller for me. He cups my face and tips my head back, so his eyes are locked on mine. “Everything is gonna be fine. I promise. I’m not gonna let anything happen to either of you.”

I nod rapidly and let him pull me against him. I press my ear to his chest and listen to the steady thud of his heart and try to slow mine down to match it. I hear the doors of the lift open, but neither of us makes a move to leave.

“We’ll ride up and down as many times as you need to, baby.”

“Okay.” I pant and fist his T-shirt in my hands.

“Just keep breathing for me, nice and slow.” He takes a deep breath before slowly blowing it out, and I copy it instinctively. When I feel stable enough to pull back, I look up at him with an apology on my lips. But before I can say I’m sorry, he kisses me softly, his hands in my hair, anchoring me to him as he oh-so-gently breathes life back into me. By the time he pulls away, I’m breathless for another reason.

“Better?”

“Huh?” I ask somewhat dazed, making him grin.

Leaning back, he hits the button to take us back up to our floor before facing me once more. “Baby steps. We’ll take everything one day at a time.”

“I’m scared,” I admit. What if I fuck this up? I don’t have being a child as an excuse anymore.

“I’m scared too. It just means we care. Kendrick doesn’t give a shit about the small stuff, Em, he just needs us to love him.”

“Okay, you’re right. Of course you are.”

“Deep breath, okay? You’ve got this.”

I nod, and this time I’m the one to take his hand. “I’ve got this. I’m ready.”

Isit in the back with Kendrick on the way home, unable to take my eyes off him for a single second. He looks tiny in his car seat, his little blue hat slipping over his eyes as he sleeps. I reach over and gently move it back into place as we pull up outside the house. I unclip myself but stay seated until Lick comes around and lifts the seat from its base. He grabs the bag with his free hand, throwing me a look before I can protest.

“You’re not supposed to lift anything heavy.”

I sigh, knowing he won’t budge on this. I climb out as Lick walks around the car to me, and we all walk in together. It feels so weird all of a sudden that I’m unsure what to do. I look around, my eyes landing on the crib set up in the corner of the sitting room. As much as I don’t want to disturb Kendrick while he sleeps, I don’t want him to get overheated either, so when Lick places the car seat on the coffee table, I unbuckle Kendrick and gently ease him out.

I hold him for a second, breathing him in. A new baby really has the best smell in the world. Lick joins us, wrapping one of his arms behind me and bringing the other around to stroke a finger down Kendrick’s cheek.

“Look how perfect he is,” he says in awe, making me look up at him.

“He is, isn’t he?”

He smiles widely, staring at his son. Neither of us moves for a moment, revelling in the wonder of it all until I remember I’m supposed to take some layers off him. I take a seat on the sofa and lay him in my lap. Like an old muscle, I suddenly remember the moves to this dance I’ve done before. I guess I lost sight of that. With everything changing so much over the years, some things really do stay the same.