Page 63 of Lick

“No, it’s okay. He needs someone here with him, and it should be you.” I don’t say if not me, though it hangs between us. “I’ll call a friend to come grab me.”

“You’re sure?”

I nod, having no intention of calling anyone other than a taxi. I don’t need any more witnesses to my humiliation.

“I’m sure.” I get to my feet, the itch urging me to get out of here is almost unbearable at this point.

He stands up too and pulls me in for a hug. “Don’t give up on him, Emma.”

I take a deep breath and offer him a wobbly sigh. “I won’t,” I tell him. I need to find a way to deal with this crippling pain first. Next time I face him, I’ll be ready.

I head to the lift in a daze and take it down to the ground floor before heading outside. I plan to call a cab, but spot the bus pulling in that would drop me within walking distance of my place. I jump on that instead, taking a seat near the front. I lean my head against the glass and shut out everything around me, and focus only on not breaking down in public. As I get closer to home, I feel my sadness slowly ebb away, only for anger to take its place. Not anger at Lick—that man has been through more than enough to buy him a whole heap of leeway. If I were in his shoes, I’d want to rage at the whole world. No, I’m mad at myself for being so hurt by it. I took a moment and made it about me, and that’s not cool, though I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing at the time. I swear, some days I feel so emotionally stunted I don’t feel half as much as I should. Then other days, it’s as if the dam breaks, and the emotions keep pouring in, and I have no clue how to turn them off.

Maybe Lick isn’t the only one who needs to adjust to a new normal. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been barely skirting by since my marriage fell apart. I can’t keep living in the now and not worrying about the future with a kid on the way. Especially now that Lick’s needs might change. Am I up for this? Looking after a man who’ll need assistance in ways neither of us could foresee?

I pose the question, but I don’t answer it immediately. I force myself to think it over and take my time looking at all the aspects of what that might mean.

After all that, my answer is still the same. Yes, I’m ready to build a future with Lick, regardless of how that looks. If anything, coming so close to losing him has forced me to evaluate the feelings I pretended not to have. I know if he’d died in that attack, I’d have hated myself for not telling him how I really felt.

It isn’t until I’m standing in my bedroom hours later in nothing but my underwear, hand on my bump, my eyes on the streetlights casting an amber hue across the drug deal going on below, that it really sinks in that seeing Lick give up really resonated with me. I gave up long before he did. I’ve just been going through the motions for so long, I didn’t realize it until now.

Well, no more. I can’t keep living like this. There has to be more to life than a crappy apartment and a job in a pub. Is this what I want my kid to see? Is this as good as it gets?

“No, fuck that.” I don’t know what I’m destined for, but I know it’s more than this.

And with that thought, I drag out my old laptop. It takes so long to wake up, I make tea before it’s ready, and start looking at Open University courses.

Time to be brave.

28

Lick

I’ve been home for two weeks. Well, I say home—I mean the clubhouse where there are plenty of brothers on hand to help me out when I need it, making my humiliation complete.

Still, I put up and shut up and pretend it doesn’t burn in my gut. I try to tell myself to make the most of it because these men I call brothers will be gone soon. Nothing’s changed. My legs haven’t magically remembered how they’re supposed to fucking work, and my dick hasn’t gotten with the program since that day at the hospital.

I grab the bottle of whisky from the table and take a long sip, enjoying the burn as it makes its way into my otherwise empty stomach.

“Aren’t you on painkillers?”

I look over at Henny and shrug. “Stopped taking them. I didn't want to get addicted.”

“Because becoming a drunk is so much better?”

I flip him off before taking another sip.

“Seriously, Lick. Is this really what you want?”

“No, Henny, what I want is to get on my bike and just ride until I run out of road, but I can’t do that now, can I? What do you all care for anyway? I’ll be out of your hair before you know it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s been weeks, and I still can’t feel shit. You know the bylaws as well as I do. I can’t be an RBMC member if I can’t ride. Sooner or later, I’ll get kicked out. I’m only still here now because of who my father is.”

“Is that really what you think? Jesus, I thought you were smarter than that.”

“Your mistake then.”