Page 28 of Lick

He’s gone before I can say anything else, leaving me alone with Lick when I feel like hell and look like dog shit.

“So, it looks like we need to talk.”

My eyes slip closed, exhausted before we’ve even begun. “Not right now.”

“Emma—”

“Please, just let me rest,” I whisper, feeling myself on the verge of tears again. It’s all too much right now.

“Alright, Em, just sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

I’m not sure if that’s a comfort or not. But when I feel his lips press against my forehead as I drift off, the overwhelming emotion I feel is relief that I no longer have to face this all alone.

This time when I wake up, I’m alone, but not for long. An ultrasound machine is wheeled in by a chirpy woman in a pair of navy-blue scrubs who comes in humming a pop song that’s always on the radio. She has short black hair with hints of blue in a pixie-style haircut and kind eyes that instantly put me at ease.

She looks at me and gives me a wide smile when she sees I’m awake. “Well, hi there. My name is Sarah. What do you say we take a peek and see how the baby is doing?”

“Yeah. That would be great. Um…there was a guy in here before. Do you know if he’s still here?”

“A guy? I didn’t see anyone when I came in.”

“Oh.” I look down, feeling dejected, but take a deep breath and brush it off. I can’t take that on too right now. He was here when the doctor told him the sonographer would be coming, so he knows. I can hardly get out of bed and track him down. He said he would be here when I woke up, and he wasn’t. Maybe he’s the kind of guy that says one thing and does another, which I pray to god isn’t true, for my baby’s sake more than my own.

I shrug off the disappointment and paste on a fake smile. “Okay, let’s do this.”

She claps her hands in excitement, making my fake smile turn real. You can tell she loves her job, and it makes a world of difference.

“Alright, get comfortable and pull that gown up for me. We might need to get you to drink some more first, but let’s see how we get on.”

A knock at the door has us both pausing before it opens a crack. “Can I come in?” I hear Lick’s voice.

Sarah looks at me for confirmation, so I nod. “Yeah. This is Lick. He’s the dad.”

12

Lick

He’s the dad. She said it out loud. There is no more pretending. I’m gonna be a dad. Fuck me, hearing it out loud changes everything. And the thing is, I know she’s telling the truth. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only known her for hours. She wouldn’t lie about this. I feel like a piece of shit knowing she’s gone through all this alone because I’ve been away and never thought of giving her my number. I’ve never wanted more with a woman before. She was the first to make me think differently, but instead of analysing it, I bailed.

As the sonographer sets up, she talks softly to Emma. She looks like she’s been to hell and back, and I feel something harden in my resolve. Like fuck am I going to let this woman face this alone. I might not know what the hell I’m doing, but I refuse to be another man who lets her down, and I sure as shit won’t be a deadbeat dad.

I move around the empty side of the bed and slip my hand into Emma’s. She doesn’t take her eyes off the sonographer, but her hands grip mine tightly, her only outward sign of fear.

“Alright, this is going to be cold.” The sonographer puts some jelly on the wand thing she’s holding before she places it on Emma’s stomach. She moves it around as she flips a switch, and for a moment, silence drapes over us like a weighted blanket. Emma squeezes my hand so hard her knuckles bleed white until finally I hear it, the rapid beating of a tiny heart.

“There it is.” The sonographer smiles.

“It’s so fast. Is that normal?”

“It’s perfect for the age of gestation.”

I look at Emma and see the tears sliding down her face. I don’t know if they’re tears of relief or fear, but I hate seeing her cry. I let go of her hand and move closer, slipping my arm behind her head and holding her to me as I look back at the screen. “That’s our baby.” I don’t even pretend to hide the awe in my voice.

“I’ll print some pictures for you both and give you some time alone. Congratulations, Mom and Dad.”

I swallow and nod my thanks at her before looking down at Emma, who looks up at me with trepidation on her face.

“I’m sorry.”