Page 82 of Clean Finish

Holt pursed his lips and said nothing. I heaved a huge sigh and looked down at my glass.

“Is that what’s made you sad?” he then asked in a weirdly gentle voice.

“What?” I mumbled.

“That you think he’s not interested in you that way. For more than just… fuckletics practice. Whatever you’ve been calling it.”

Confusing, nervous fear streaked through me.

“I’m not sad,” I automatically said, even though I’d just said I was. Several times. But that had only been… nervous rambling or something. “I’m just… I don’t even know.”

“So Seb ‘seemed kind of weird’ when you told him you’d told Kit you were dating?”

“Yeah.” I squirmed. “He said he doesn’t care if I tell people that, but… he said if people think we’re dating, the wrestlers won’t want to… do stuff with me anyway.” I felt a little ill saying that. “Which is the whole reason we’re… you know.”

“Mm.” Holt sounded like he wanted to say something, but he just sipped his drink and watched me.

I started rubbing my fingertip aggressively over one of the claw marks on the bar, sitting rigid in my seat. After a long pause, I found myself blurting, “I don’t even want to mess around with any of the wrestlers.”

Holt’s brows slowly rose. “Really?”

I nodded, swallowing thickly, and admitted, “Maybe I did before, when it… when it didn’t even seem like something that could really happen. Like, I liked the idea of it. But now that I’ve actually done stuff with Seb, I just—The thought of it just makes me feel… anxious. In a really bad way.”

“Larkin,” Holt began patiently, “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, with anyone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve hinted at it and flirted with them. It doesn’t even matter if you’ve made literal, concrete plans and set a time and date to fuck one of them. If you don’t want to do it, do not fucking do it, and do not let anyone make you feel like you’re obligated just because you might’ve mentioned wanting to have sex with them in the past.”

I nodded and mumbled, “I know. I wouldn’t. Seb, um, said something similar last night too.”

“Good. Sounds like you made a good choice in your fuckletics instructor,” Holt said wryly, then carefully asked, “But, so… you do like having sex with Seb?”

“Y-yeah. Yes,” I croaked. “A lot. I think it’s because he’s… really good at it. And it’s all… new and stuff.”

Except something about that didn’t sit quite right.

After a pause, Holt snorted an exasperated laugh and reached across the bar to pat my arm. “Oh, Lark.”

“What?” Heat flooded my cheeks.

“I’d just forgotten how clueless we can all be at your age.”

“I’m not clueless!” I shot back defensively. Except I often felt a little clueless about a lot of things.

Holt chuckled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I just…” He sighed and leaned on the bar again to gaze at me intently. “Look, I’m not going to tell you how you feel about Seb—even though I could. Literally right now. I could tell you exactly what emotions are pouring off you while you think about him.”

“No, you couldn’t,” I mumbled, trying to shield myself from his creepy empyn powers.

“Honestly, I’m not entirely clear on what it was that upset you just now, but it seems like it was the thought of Seb ending your… arrangement because you confused things by telling Kit you’re dating.” He raised his brows at me, sipping his drink. “So what does that tell you, hmm?”

I stared back at him, nonplussed. “Um…”

Holt stayed silent, still gazing at me expectantly.

“Um… It means…” I rubbed my cheek, starting to sweat a little. It felt like I was taking an exam. “I don’t want the thing with Seb to end yet? But I already knew that. We still have… stuff we haven’t done.”

“So it’s purely about the fuckletics practice,” Holt said, deadpan. “That’s why you don’t want it to end. Because you haven’t covered all the bases yet, so to speak.”

“I think so…?” After trailing off, I let out a quick breath and shook my head. “I mean, no. No, that’s not the only… We’ve been hanging out more, and I really… I really like spending time with him. A lot. And I guess I’m worried that it might all stop when we’re done with our… thing.”

“So you really like spending time with him, and you really like having sex with him, and you really don’t want to have sex with anyone else.”