Page 12 of Radiant

“When a rabbit outruns a fox, he knows that he is safe. Fear saved him. The rabbit can relax until the next fox strikes. The cycle ends then. Your cycle hasn’t ended yet. I see you flinch at noises⁠—”

“I’m sorry,” I ground out through a rough throat.

“But you haven’t done anything wrong. You flinch at noises and shrink from sudden movements because the animal part of you never got to outrun or fight off what caused your fear to begin with. If that man were still around, it would be a good thing. But he is no longer around, and instinct and logic do not often see eye to eye.”

“Fuck. You’re giving me fucking therapy.”

Auris kissed my wet cheek. “I’m telling you not to loathe yourself for these emotions, for these lingering afterimages of fear. Accept them. They are there for a reason. Not because anything is out to get you every time you set foot in the world, and not because you are weak, but as an automatic failsafe, like how you breathe without thought.”

“You learned that in the forest too? Please tell me you’re not going to drop me in a forest and leave me there. That was cruel, by the way. That he did that.”

I felt Auris’s shrug. “Back then, I thought so too. In hindsight, not so much. My sweet, if you want to be what I am, I need you to be able to survive the woods too. Not the loneliness and danger of my woods.” He tapped my forehead. “The woods you make for yourself. Unlike Tove, I won’t leave you there by yourself. I’ll never leave you alone in a fight.”

I nodded. I’d always hated talking about emotions, ever since Mom’s death. But with Auris, there was an ease to it. There was trust.

“For what it’s worth, I… Thank you. I…really don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t like… There are collages. In my apartment. I need them. Not anything fancy, just photos of friends and family. I want to keep those.”

“I will put you in contact with whoever I select to handle your place, and then you can tell them what you need to be delivered here. Start putting a list together now.”

I leaned back against him. “My workstation. I really, really need my workstation. And then I need to get back to work. I mean, this place is huge. I’d have loved to have spent lockdown in a place like this, and now that I could work from here, I’m missing my stuff.”

“That can be arranged.”

I let out a breath that stretched my rib cage in ways it hadn’t stretched since the attack. “And I guess I’d need lube. Or do you have that here? I feel like it would be helpful to have that around. You know, have it around now. Right now.”

Auris chuckled, his breath ruffling my hair. “There should be a selection in the bedroom. But, my sweet, I didn’t mean to get you to do anything like that tonight.”

I turned around finally until I knelt between his spread legs. “You didn’t. I know you wouldn’t. What I want is…something tender. I want to be close to you, feel you inside me. I want you to hold me. You are color and light, you’re radiant. That’s comfort to me.”

He kissed my cheek. “I won’t deny you, then. In front of the fire, or on the bed?”

“Here, on the floor.” I bent forward to kiss him, to savor his presence.

He pulled back, the corners of his mouth curling into a smile. I found myself on my back in the pool of blankets and pillows a heartbeat later.

“Whoa, vampire speed.”

He chuckled against the hollow of my throat. “Yes. It’s ever so useful in situations such as this. You go ahead and undress for me.”

I missed his looming weight above me, but raw as I was from all the emotional stuff, I yearned for this—the closeness, his touch. I didn’t have to think when I was with him, and I wanted that now.

I watched Auris find the lube in a drawer. I can be vulnerable in front of him, can be a messy mess, and it’ll be okay. I won’t ever have to be ashamed about anything, not when it’s Auris.

The thought felt like conviction, and it settled over my mind with the force of truth.

I peeled my stolen sweater off and wiggled out of my jeans, or started to. By that time, I had an audience. Auris watched me intently while he unbuttoned his own vest and shirt.

We didn’t speak a word, letting our eyes do the talking. Auris was better at it than I was. He let his vest slide off his shoulders, the fabric fine enough to make a silky whispering noise. Before he continued, he pulled his long hair forward over one shoulder. He was utterly stunning, and seeing him like that made me want to run for my camera.

His lips trembled with amusement. He’d seen it, my desire to photograph him. I frowned and stroked my belly over my open jeans. That didn’t amuse him. It made him watch, his eyes following my hand instead of staying on my face.

Of course, I was human and had nothing like his grace, so when I pushed my jeans and underwear down, it wasn’t the smooth move it could have been. It didn’t seem to matter. It prompted Auris to open the buttons on his shirt, one by one, pull it from his own pants, then toss it into the flame-licked darkness.

I couldn’t help being a visual person. Being visual was a critical part of my job. I could have spent an hour in my studio with a shirtless Auris, doing nothing but directing him in front of my camera. I’d have enjoyed that. I’d ask him to do it for me, someday soon, but not today. That I wanted it after today told me that he could distract me even without sex, and he must’ve read me the same way.

His pants still in place, he knelt on a corner of the blanket in front of me. “Ethan. Do you want to stop here?”

I shook my head. “No, I was just thinking. I don’t want to stop. Unless you want to?”