Page 63 of Emeric

“We have where we’re standing. This building is strong, as is the security. I have other properties I can transform that aren’t in my name, but as long as this person is out there, I won’t dare try to create another space for us. If I did and it was compromised after Sylvan was settled, I’d feel terrible. It’s better to wait, not easier, but better.” There was no good way to look at any of this.

“I’m going to my hotel tomorrow. You can put guards on me. I don’t care. I can only hole up for so long. I’ll come back here at night, but there’s shit I need to do. At least one day there, after all I’ve spent here.”

Jordan looked so defeated and tired, as if he’d finally had enough. “I can’t make you do anything, Emeric. I’m so fucking sick of people testing me. I want to cast a goddamn bubble around everyone I care about so nothing hurts them. Having Sylvan upset is like upsetting my blood. I would give him anything, and right now I can’t.”

“You don’t need to.” Jordan turned as we all looked toward the door, where Sylvan stood. None of us had heard him return. “I’m sorry for walking away.” Sylvan’s eyes met mine, then Oleander’s. “If I were home, I’d have spaces I could feel safe in, where it would be okay to let go. I don’t mean that as a jab at anyone here. I’ve been dealing with my anxiety for a long time. There are ways for me to cope, and they usually don’t involve another person since I’m on my own. Hearing the place I’ve known as a home is no longer safe hit really hard. I’m not sure what to do or where to go. And before you say I can stay here, Jordan, I know. You’ve always been so kind to me, but this isn’t for me. Your building isn’t my space. I’ll find another home eventually. For now, I’ll stay here.”

“Whatever you need, I’ll help. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“You’re a good man, Jordan.”

He scoffed. “I’ll let you three talk.” Then he left, closing the door behind him.

I sat in one of the dining chairs, not sure what to do or say. Sylvan still appeared upset. If I did the wrong thing to make it worse, I’d never forgive myself.

“I meant it when I said I was sorry,” he whispered.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Oleander said. “You were processing.”

“That doesn’t make it right to leave. Sheldon was in the elevator with me and tried to put things into perspective. He said I could change the way I think about home. To some people, including him, it’s not a place, but who he’s with. Forest is his home. I care for you both deeply, and I don’t want this to come across the wrong way, but I need a space. A home that’s mine. I can’t explain what it’s like for me to need the comfort that brings for my own sanity. I’m not good at jumping from place to place. It leaves me unsettled and anxious. Knowing that no matter where I am, I can go back to the one place where I relax helps. I don’t have that anymore. Yes, a new home can be built, but what if I never get that feeling back?” Tears shimmered in his eyes. I hadn’t looked at it that way.

“We can do it together,” Oleander offered. “We can find you the perfect place. We won’t stop until we do.”

“But you both have busy jobs.”

“And we have you. You matter, Syl. We want to help.”

I nodded, agreeing with Oleander. He knew the right things to say. I was useless here, not sure of what to do. Oleander gave a suggestion that seemed to calm Sylvan slightly.

Sylvan’s voice wavered. “I don’t want to lose what we have.”

Not able to handle the distance between us any longer, I stood, stepped forward until he was within arm’s reach, and gently took him into an embrace. Sylvan fisted my shirt, buried his face in it, and let his tears fall.

“We’re not going anywhere,” I whispered.

I wasn’t an expert at relationships. The one I had with these amazing men, I was making it up as I went. Not my words, but how this looked for us. I was in deep, way over my head, although not in a bad way.

Oleander’s arms came around us. “We’re in this together. You don’t have to do it alone. We’re here to lean on.”

Sylvan nodded against me, his hands still gripping my shirt tightly. He’d told us he had anxiety for a long time. His mom’s sudden passing made it much worse. That would leave a lasting mark on anyone.

He turned, putting his cheek on my chest. “I try not to live in a bubble, where I accept the world around me and know I can’t stay inside all the time. When stuff like this happens, I just want to hide. Life could be so much worse. I know that firsthand.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset by this,” Oleander reminded him. “No one can take away how you feel or try to invalidate it, nor do you have to justify yourself.”

“What if I don’t like any of the homes Jordan chooses, or none of them feel like home to me? What if I never find a place where I can be as comfortable as I was in the other home?”

“You will, because we won’t stop until you do.”

“And if it’s so far away that I don’t see you often?”

“We’ll make it work. We’re not giving you up.”

Sylvan peered up at me. “Em?”

“Clearly, I’m not as needed as I thought I was at the hotel, so I’ll go where you go.” I had tried to keep my voice light and put a little fake exasperation about not being needed into my words. By the sad look still adorning Sylvan’s face, it didn’t work.

“What happens when they do need you there?”