Page 78 of Almost Not Quite Engaged

Feeling better this am? Care package should be arriving in about an hour. Work felt good yesterday. It’s raining here too and although it’s still beautiful it’s a bit jarring since the Seychelles were perfect. Well, the end was perfect. You’ll see it’s all in the show. But I felt a little out of sorts until I ignored everything I should be doing and started doing what I wanted. You should try it.

Z

Rhinebeck - Pool House

Z —

Amazon Prime. Very clever. Bone broth, snack cakes, gummies. Thank you. Probably going to wait until my fever breaks to use the condoms.

K

NO. NO. HEY! Kitty Kat!! Stop.

Those aren’t for you unless it’s with me. Must’ve been in my cart. You can’t use those. Save them in case our paths cross. They’re my brand after all.

Z

Prague Bar at hotel

Z

Thank you and I’ll tuck them away with our reunited flowers.

K

Chapter 38

Stop Moving Your Leg

KAT

Rhinebeck/Plane to Bangladesh

My last night in town I stay home and stare at my list. I’m in the doorway on the front porch enjoying the evening. It’s dark and the fireflies have all gone home. Something locked into place inside of me when I let the hope in. I feel more and less myself, but somehow it all feels right staring at my boarding pass for Bangladesh. He wrote again last night and I’ve read it way too often.

Seychelles/Prague Airports

Kat,

You live on the edge of my memory. Shimmering constantly around the edges of my thoughts and things I’m doing. I wish I could put you more in focus.

Z

Outside on Court & Ben’s porch

Zane

Disclaimer: I’m about a bottle in. I’m an amazing idiot to think my plan will help anything. I’m scared. I’m on the edge of tomorrow, and I usually love tomorrows, but this one scares the shit out of me. I’m lucky, loved, safe, and healthy. It’s not a shit ton of things that haunt the rest of the world, but I can’t shake the feeling I’m jumping into an abyss. I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing nothing with my life and yet so afraid to do something. What if this journey isn’t the answer? It’s not what I need or think it’ll be. I’m also scared that it will be exactly what I need.

I’m not so sure shifting my life is a good idea. I could find a job that’s fine. I’ll get an apartment on my same block because I know where everything is. And with you so distant, I could even get used to the longing. Find someone to fill the space left by the idea of you. Obviously, not you, but someone I can talk to like this, where the engagement isn’t a joke. And my fiancé isn’t an asshole. Kidding. Kind of.

I wish you were here sitting next to me telling me I’m a harpy, or we were eating cake in bed and you were telling me it’ll be okay whilst fingering me!

I don’t think I’ve missed you more than today when I saw our fake engagement party invitations. I wanted you here to mock them with me or admire them. I don’t know. And at the same time, I’m not ready to see you. I’m petrified to move off center. Maybe more wine will help. Maybe not. Desperately trying to become the Kat you see. I’m terrified of what’s on the other side of this and that I’m nothing there too.

-K

Prague