Page 144 of Almost Not Quite Engaged

Probably need to figure out where the hell she is first.

Chapter 74

Yeah, Not Good On My Own

KAT

Train to Prague?

The train leaves late, but I barely make it on time. I might just be in time to fix some shit and pull this stupid weighted blanket off my life.

“Mom.”

“Kaiser.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracks and a tear slips out.

“Am I a fool to you, darling?” She knows or Dad told her. Either way atonement is the path. For all of it.

“No, Mom. I’m the fool. I thought in a warped way giving you a wedding to plan would keep you happy.”

“And off your back?”

“That was an added benefit, can’t lie.” I smile and pull my feet under me.

“You know what makes me happy. It’s not lace or napkins or seating charts.”

“I notice you didn’t say flowers.”

“Because flowers do make me happy. But the happiest I am is when the three of you are settled.”

I groan and turn in my seat. We have very different ideas of settled right now. My place is behind my camera. That’s all I know for sure.

“I know you want us married, kids and all of that. I don’t think I’m that girl. Or ever have been. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be. And for the first time in my life, I’m ok with it.”

“Stop your foolishness. Listen to what I’m saying not what you think you hear.”

“Nan. That was a stinger. Good one.”

She chuckles a little, “When there’s a moment at a family dinner or the three of you are sitting around in the backyard and laughing or teasing each other. After a huge laugh you all settle into the best versions of yourselves. Your faces do this thing that tells me there’s nothing wrong in the world. You’re happy in that exact second. I know it’s fleeting but I also know it comes again. That’s what I mean by the settle. When you were all in India---”

“You knew. How am I this bad at lying?”

“I’ve known your shenanigans for 33 years. And Porter sent me a picture of you all at some temple and you had the looks. Arms linked together and your faces were settled. And I was happy.”

“You knew it was all fake?”

“I had suspicions but they were put to rest in Boston.”

“When we broke up.”

“No, when I saw you settled. His hand in yours, that split second after he made you laugh about the orderly and you jabbed back. That same awash of soulful love look settled over your face. Porter has it with Felicia and Courtney and Ben. I knew none of it was fake when I saw it. Not for the two of you. Maybe all the rest of the bullshit.”

“Mom. Such language.” She laughs and I smile through my tears. I can’t believe I have this shining example of fucking love, and I wrinkled my nose up at it.

“Settled doesn’t mean what you convinced yourself it means.”

I both hate that I’m wrong about literally everything in the world and love that I can hide behind my own naiveté.