Page 70 of Keep Vegas

I’ll wear the choker and the Louboutins to her service and then tuck them away. I don’t really want to know if it’s worth something because then I’d be tempted to pay off some of my student debt with it when I get done with med school.

But even worse than Lana’s death is the mourning of Tony. It gets worse every day. I ran away again because I was a coward. I have to face him at some point and tell him all the truths so we can both be set free. The rec room and the little retirement village all feel empty, but I’m a husk of a person. I’m meeting Barton to help me with biochem. It wasn’t on the MCAT, so I waited to take it my senior year. I applied to UNLV Med and UNR. It will be nice to be near Maggie in Reno, if I get in. She’s moving to Tahoe, but that’s close enough to have a shoulder to cry on.

It’s funny, when I thought about med school, there was a moment, even before running into Tony, that I thought of applying to some schools in Boston. My advisor pushed for it, but I backed down. I wanted to apply to some of the ones I claimed I had gotten into ages ago. It was like I wanted to make my lies true so they could be erased. As if the wind shuffling sand off the piece of my past could dig me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself.

I deleted his number in extreme sadness and panic because I’m a moron. I’m a Magna Cum Laude moron, but still a moron. I know Maggie could get it, or I could text Lizzie. I could call his work, but that seems intrusive. And I was never a big enough part of his life that anyone would take my call.

I promised I wouldn’t reach out but days like this when the pain of losing him and what could have been are unbearable are days I might crack. I’ve stayed away from his socials but I am a charter subscriber to the wildly successful, interactive app, podcast hub and recipe builder, The Cookery.

“That’s the peptide. It’s a chain of fatty acids, do you see how the symbols correspond?”

“Ok. If I move this here, the compound is stable?”

He cracks his hands together, and someone from across the room claps. I look up, and it’s Doctor Parry.

I stand up and take a bow.

“Let me see that? I was always better with diagnostics than the chemistry bullshit, but I still remember a thing or two.”

I hand him my work, and he grins. These men are the reason I did well on my MCAT. They worked with me day and night when I was finishing my junior year. Then helped me apply to the two med schools ‘worth their salt’ in Nevada. I found out today I got into both programs. Now, I’m waiting on the money.

I scoop up my work and wave to my tutors and head off to class. Sadly, biochemistry has become my happy place. Who says that?

LIZZIE/BETTE: Did you lie to us too?

Oh, sweet God. I guess I have to atone for it all.

MAKENZIE: Yes.

LIZZIE/BETTE: Why?

MAKENZIE: You can’t really be asking that? If he told you about the lie, then he told you about my truth as well.

LIZZIE/BETTE: I just don’t see the point in it. That’s a lot to keep bottled up. I would have cracked wide open like a nut. I should stop typing. But seriously, that’s a lot of shit to hold on to.

LIZZIE/BETTE: Did you think I would judge you? Actually, back in that day, in Paris, I probably would have, but I still would have liked you.

MAKENZIE: Still have that running-at-the-mouth thing, I see.

LIZZIE/BETTE: Mak, you were my friend. You could have talked to me.

MAKENZIE: Thank you. And I’m sorry. I didn’t have a lot to be proud of at 17.

LIZZIE/BETTE: Are you really in college?

MAKENZIE: Yes. And I think that’s all I can tell you about my life. We may have been friends, but you’re Team Tony now. Anything he needs or wants to know, he can ask me. I love you, girl, but you are the enemy.

LIZZIE/BETTE: HA! Hardly, but I get the point. I’ll be in the States in a month or so. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’d like to see you and hang out. I want to be Team Makenzie as much as I can. You made me a better bitch/witch back then. And I’m happy I knew you, know you. And I want to know you better again. Does that make any kind of sense? Whatever.

I grin. I did always like her, and she always was full of words.

LIZZIE/BETTE: And for the record, and only your eyeballs—Hayden’s not totally Team Tony right now. He shouldn’t have let you go then or now without at least talking. I promise to find you.

MAKENZIE: That works for me. But only if it’s after finals.

I turn off my phone, knowing I’ll never meet up with her but feeling more rounded. He did let me go, then jumped right back in without ever really discussing anything. I have to move on, but I don’t know what to do with all this love. Once you stop seeing someone, it’s not like it goes away, or stuck in a box and shoved in storage. I am filled with it. It’s crowding out all other emotions and becoming a problem. What do you do with all of it when there’s nowhere to put it?

I’d like to cremate it and shove it into a very pretty box. Will that get rid of it? It will be more compact, but really, what is that going to accomplish? If it’s compact, can I tuck it away and pull it out in moments I want to make myself really sad, like a travel-sized heartbreak.