Page 62 of Keep Vegas

“I love you.”

I’ve never been more complete. I’m so overwhelmed and forget to answer her.

She whispers, “Did you hear me? Because I don’t think I can say it again. I hurt you too much the last time I said that, and if you don’t, I understand.”

I whisper back while I stroke her hair. “I’ve always loved you and happily still do, my perfect Wiccan.”

mak

There will never be a more satisfying sleep than this. We said the thing we’ve been fighting and holding back. I got to be adored and in love for one night. And now I have to tell him. I have to wake him up, and even when he leaves me, last night was worth it. I’ll always know what it feels like to be enough, loved, and completely myself.

I’ll hold that feeling because after I give all my truths, I’m pretty sure the feeling is all I’ll be left with. I kiss his back gently, and he tugs my arm tighter. I’m sore, sated, and currently the big spoon.

‘We had a perfect night.” I whisper, knowing he’s still mostly asleep, “I love you, Tony Ladd. No matter what happens, please remember that as the absolute truth. That’s the thing that’s true.”

I roll over and glance at the clock. 10:46. I sigh and kiss his back sweetly again, but before he can wake up, the time registers. It surges with absolute sheer panic at my stupidity. I didn’t set an alarm. I didn’t think it was this late. I thought I’d get us coffee and tell him. Or if I chickened out again, I could just leave. Shit. This is terrible.

I jump out of bed. I only have time to put my clothes on my body. I’m desperately searching for my bag and laptop. I didn’t do the reading. I’m going to flunk out. He’ll fucking fail me if I don’t show up. Letter grade if you miss. Shit. Shit. I can’t. I have to make my flight. The class is at two. I can do this.

“What is happening? You’re like a hopped-up cat right now. Stop darting.”

“Go back to sleep.” I bark at him. I’m loud and aggressive. I don’t mean to be, but I can’t find my phone.

“Because yelling always puts me in a sleepy mood. Babe, what’s going on?”

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Where’s my phone? I’m out of time. Everything is wrong. I have to get out of here, now!”

“Cinderella. It’s way past midnight. You’re cool, we’re ok. Not a pumpkin in sight, come back to bed.”

“That’s fucking funny. Because all of this was provided by a fairy godmother. And I just woke up in tatters. I have to fucking go.”

“No. You don’t. You stay here with me, and we talk about your crazy-ass behavior, my love.”

That stabs me in the heart.

“No. I have to go. You don’t understand. I have to go.” I’m babbling as I throw everything around the suite in search of my phone and wallet. My ID is in the back of my phone. If it wasn’t, I would fucking leave it.

The bold Makenzie I’ve reclaimed over the past almost nine months weighs me down. With the brash and bold comes the irresponsible. My reckless past is creeping in, and I’m doomed. I don’t think I can dust myself off again if I flunk out before I even get to med school. I don’t want to be the girl who fucked up again. The one who didn’t care enough about herself to want something.

Tony made me want something better and now I’m fucking it up again and ironically because of him.

“You’re a mess. Hey, seriously, what is going on?”

He’s concerned and sweet. That’s a bit too much to take. He leaps up and pulls on his black boxer briefs. He tries to hold me, but I shake him loose. My world is crumbling. My lies are burying me, and I’m about to crush him with my truth. It’s all so heavy to carry right now.

“You’re fine. Stop this. Let me take you home and we’ll spend the day in your bed. I want to see where you live, and we can grab food on the way.”

And that’s it. I turn, and I don’t know who I am at this moment, but it’s like I leave my body, and I can’t stop my mouth from spewing stuff.

“You don’t! You really, really don’t want to see where I live. Trust me. And you don’t want to see who I really am or what my real life looks like. You’re not ready for the entire Makenzie experience. You never were and you never did see it even when I tried to show it to you. You pretended I belong in your world, but I don’t. And that’s why I left, because it was all an illusion, a spell, or possibly your delusion that made me believe it could be different. But each time my reality crept in I knew I had to keep up the glamour spell. I don’t belong anywhere near you.”

“Yes, you do. You belong to me not with me. And I don’t care about whatever you think you’re talking about.”

“You will, and this is terrible timing, but I have to go. Holy shit. I’ve fucked up my whole life for the chance to be yours a little while longer and now I have to go. I can’t screw this up, but I’ve messed up everything. That’s who I am, even though I tried to be different, and I was. But then there you were again, and now I have to get the hell out of here. I’m going to be late for class. And if I’m late then it’s all for nothing. My grades will go to shit and all that I’ve worked for will be fucking gone. Everything I’ve tried to fix. All the damage and bad I’ve done won’t be corrected.”

“Class?”

I’m ranting around the room, and he’s standing there with his arms crossed. It’s like I’m an erratic planet off my axis, and he’s the sun trying to ground me with gravity and pull me back into proper rotation. I have to go.