Page 64 of Present Tense

He continues, “I’ve been doing this dance with him for a couple of years now. I can’t, in good faith, keep patching him up so he’s well enough to destroy himself again. I believe, from a medical standpoint, if he doesn’t go to rehab the consequences will be grave.”

“Message received. I’ll let you know when I arrive so we can talk further.” I hang up without listening to his response. My head thuds backward into the top of the couch. And there it is.

The thing no one talks about. The thing that’s whispered and definitely not brought up to him. He’s killing himself, one finger of Scotch at a time. Dammit. Why now? I’m fucking happy. I can’t force Fletch to be a part of any of this. I’ll send Ethan to his father earlier than planned and call in sick to work. I’m so embarrassed by it all. No one needs this bullshit burden. I’ve got it. It’s fine.

Ethan sits down next to me, and the couch farts again. We both smile. He hands me one of our cobalt blue mugs. The steam is swirling up over my cup. His is topped with an ungodly amount of whipped cream. The kid will use any excuse to get hot chocolate. He sits sideways and puts his feet on my lap.

“Granddad killing himself again.” I nod. “You have to go, don’t you?” I nod again. “Do you need me to come with you?” Need is a funny word. One I reserve for sex, water, or food. I want to need other things, but I don’t have the luxury.

“You’re not invited this time, kid. Stay with Meg and Jake. I’m shipping you to your dad’s early. This is my mess, not yours.”

“I hate this.”

“Me too.” He takes my hand.

“Can I stay with Fletch?”

I shake my head. Again, not Fletch’s burden. “He has to work, and this is for me to take care of.” Usually I’d be crying, but I’m just kind of numb. I have to lie to Fletch for the first time. I don’t want him to come with me. I have to shoulder this. It’s what’s expected of me. I’ll push everything else behind their barrier walls and hope they hold.

“I love you, Bear.”

“I love you too, Mama Bear. But I can totally come with you,” he says, taking my hand. He’s a good kid. I want to keep him a kid a little longer.

“I know. But you don’t have to.”

Only I have to.

40

LIAM

“I filed everything you’ll need for the summons and the discovery. It’s all in that big-ass file on the server marked shit storm.”

The man on the screen laughs. “Thanks. You’re doing a great fucking job. Think about my offer, ok?”

I nod. “I will. Talk soon.” I reach forward and disconnect the video call.

My boss, for the moment, is in Boston and on the way to the Vineyard this weekend. I’m going to swing by and take him to lunch while I’m in town. I haven’t been part of a firm in a while, and the fact that I can work remotely is incredibly appealing. They made an offer and I’ll chat with Jill about it. There’s a slight disconnect that seems to be building. It’s like I’ve gone as far as I can in this current role of sometimes boyfriend. I keep banging my head on her glass ceiling.

I want to be a part of her life, but I’m like a value-add instead of a part of the mix. Ethan and I are solid. He’s no longer freaked out by us, but she only lets me stay over every other night. If I take a job in Chicago, I’m moving in with her whether she likes it or not.

I still haven’t spoken to Lisa about anything except Bev stuff. And then it’s only texts. When I tell her to fuck off, it will be to her face. Bev keeps telling me she’s worried about me here. I’ll never admit things are a little stagnant. It’s lonely in my sad temporary apartment without the two of them. But I’m not allowed to cross that strange imaginary line of coexistence. Jake took me out for a beer and we laughed our asses off. We’re hitting a Bulls game when Jill and I return from our mini-vacation. Finally, I get her to myself and at the Vineyard. Ethan took off two days early for his father’s, and I don’t blame him for wanting to get into the sunshine.

I’m in my bullshit rental apartment waiting to head to the airport. She’s meeting me in Boston when she’s done with her last minute conference. We didn’t discuss whether I could stay at the house alone, so I didn’t.

April in Chicago is gorgeous. But I’ve been told it could snow at any moment. I’m so in love with her, the horrors of her weather don’t even bother me. I was in Philly precisely four days when we both blurted out that long-distance doesn’t work for us. My house is sitting like a museum to my former life on the corner of Pine and Second.

ETHANTHEGREAT: Fletch. Are you at the house? I forgot my sketch pad with my new animation drawings. Can you mail it to me? Or is mom back yet from her paternal nightmare? She knows where it is. I don’t want to bug her if she’s still there.

My heart drops and my anger rises. I stand up and pound my fist on the nearest wall. What the hell? Nightmare can only mean she’s home. She said she was in Maryland. Brutal honesty, my ass. I’m going to dig a bit, but I’m almost freaking positive I know where she is.

FLETCH: I got you. I’ll overnight it to your dad’s. Your mom isn’t back from Philly yet. Hopefully soon.

ETHANTHEGREAT: Sucks to be her. He should be all checked into his drunk funny farm by now. Take her to Au Cheval when she gets home. She’ll need a burger. And thanks!

I don’t even text the woman. I grab my duffle and pound my boots to the door.

I google the number. I’m in an Uber, and despite how annoyed, hurt, and frustrated I am, it feels good to be home. To see the river and whiz by ole William Penn.