Page 56 of Present Tense

I ask the one thing I shouldn’t. I ask the thing that may destroy all of this, but it will destroy me if I don’t. It’s all too perfect. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and my family made me question all of it being so easy. My head is so fucked-up with how fast Jillien and I are moving and all the shit being thrown at me that’s telling me to watch out. I’m haunted by Nina and all her lies. All the money she gleefully took from me. And what an idiot I was, trying to make a marriage work when she was living a different life than the one I thought we were sharing. I don’t give a shit about the rest of it, our future rests on this question for me.

“Am I a placeholder to put off your loneliness? Did you target me?” Her eyes and mouth flicker for a moment. I’ve gone too far. I try to backtrack. “I mean…” I can’t fix this, but after Nina, how can I put myself out there without questioning everything. Shit. She stands up. I watch her knees almost give out when she shimmies out of the booth. I stand to try and catch her. There’s a chasm of space between us as she pulls away before I can touch her. She reaches in her purse, puts a twenty dollar bill on the table, and turns to leave.

I follow her. “Stop. Jillien. Stay. Talk to me.”

She turns, and her eyes are as cold as I can ever imagine Chicago in winter.

“Go home,” she says bluntly and turns away from me.

“Jill, I don’t know where that is without you.”

She laughs cruelly, not full of mirth and light. I fucked this up so badly, but I don’t know what I could have done differently.

I touch her arm, and she flinches. There was such ease in touching her ten minutes ago, and it’s gone.

“This is done. You get to go back to being my past. There’s brutal honesty, and then there’s whatever fucking theater of cruelty and abuse this is. Take care.” My mouth falls open, and before I can get anything to come out of it, she’s gone.

LIAM: Jillien. Answer my calls. I’m sorry for how I brought it up, but I was scared. I panicked. I have too many voices in my head, and I didn’t trust anything, and I should have trusted you.

LIAM: Please.

LIAM: I’m not leaving this tundra of a city until you talk to me.

LIAM: Jillien. I can’t leave more messages. I’m sorry. We promised brutal honesty.

LIAM: Bella. Your silence is so painful.

“Hello. My name is Liam Fletcher, and I’m, well, I don’t know what I am, other than Jillien’s…uh. I’m Jillien’s. I fucked-up and I need your help. Please call me back. I know you’re probably insanely busy, but this will only take a moment. Thank you. Thank you very much.” I end the call and exhale all hope.

Not sure what else to do. My last shot about targeting me was the worst thing I’ve ever said to anyone. And I said it to the one person I think I need more than all the others. Lisa played on all my fears and insecurities. She has a lifetime of expertise pushing my buttons. Why does she want to fuck us up? I don’t get her motives. They most certainly weren’t to protect me. Fuck all rationality and what she said. I played right into her hands. She doesn’t want Jillien to be happy, mission accomplished, Lisa. I’ll never forgive my sister for whatever fucking deep-seated vendetta she played out through me.

I rub my hands together as I pace outside of Meg and Jake’s Fullerton Avenue, greystone. I’ve been here for a couple of hours. I helped them set up for their party. Jake made sure I was nice and warm on brown liquor before coming out front to stand here. She can’t avoid me. Ethan is at Ben’s mother’s house for the night with Ben and his brother. The adorable baby girl, Pearl, is upstairs. She and I bonded over Magna-Tiles earlier, but she’s long asleep now.

My phone pings.

MEG TURNER: She’s almost here. Tell her all the shit you told me. Or you said to Jake and he told me. We’re not good at secrets.

LIAM: Admirable. I hope we aren’t either.

MEG TURNER: Don’t screw this up. I’ll kill you. Get the deets from her, not us. And I gotta say, not a fan of your sister. But I know more than you do about your sister. So ask Jills about that too.

LIAM: There’s more? Come on. Let me deal with one crisis at a time. I just want her to talk to me.

MEG TURNER: Promise to lick her. She says you’re really good at that.

LIAM: Are you always this awkward?

MEG TURNER: It’s a gift. Her Uber is pulling up. Good luck. I like you. Don’t fuck this up.

The car pulls up, and she sees me standing out front. She sits in the car and says something to the driver, who shakes his head. I open the door.

“Get out of the car and face me, Jillien.” She looks up at me, and she’s attempted to hide her red-rimmed eyes with an avalanche of black eyeliner and gold eyeshadow. It doesn’t matter. She’s still stunning, and my heart is still breaking. I made her cry in secret. She couldn’t even share that with me.

I put out my hand, and she takes it as she gets out of the car. Her hair falls as she shakes it loose from her camel coat. Again, breath gone. She quickly retracts her hand.

“What?” she says as her car pulls away.

“Answer the questions and then we get to the part where I tell you everything that led up to me asking those horribly invasive questions.”