Page 16 of Present Tense

I let her words settle on us like the snow. Her breathing regulates and I whisper, “I’m so sorry. He’s such a brilliantly funny man.”

“I guess that’s not enough.”

I wrap my arms around her again, pulling her close to me as she faces her grandparents. The quiet of the snow and our embrace healing forgotten parts of us that had been lying dormant.

11

JILLIEN

I’m babbling. “I’m kinda stoned. I felt a vital need to come out to a graveyard and talk to my dead grandparents, who mind you, one of them I never met, and the other died when I was sixteen.”

He looks at me with his wet eyes and snowy beard, and I can’t want him more. He’s brawny and sexy. I don’t think he knows how attractive he is.

He speaks softly to me, “You’re not out here because of them. You’re here because of him.” I surrender to his arms. There’s nothing like the peace of being completely understood.

I snuggle into this guardian of a man. Giant of spirit and heart, and just plain giant. This is the last place I thought I’d be tonight, with the last person I could imagine, yet it’s a particular and perfect moment.

He says, “Let’s leave this all here for a moment. Put a pin in it. I have plans.”

Now I really want him. I want him in a way that will shake all of this off. I’m the daughter of an alcoholic, and prone to addiction, but tonight it’s Liam that’s my drug of choice. Tonight, I need to feel good and push away all this bullshit.

That kiss was one of the most substantial in my life. I’m not sure I see a future with him, but it was an affirmation of the past. All those self-doubts you have growing up you carry with you. The awkward moments in your youth no one remembers except you. That gawky little girl might not have been as awkward as I thought she was. I guess we all could use a softer light when we look at the past. We’re never as much or as little as we believe we are.

Tonight, I validate her. He’s always wanted me. I’m not crazy. He saw me as beautiful even when I had a mouth full of braces. Even when I wasn’t sure who the hell I was, he knew.

His lips are on mine and the kiss isn’t sweet. It’s carnal and nuclear. It’s hard and urgent. Fuck. Our gloved hands are trying to grope and he growls and pulls me behind him as we rush down the street. His front door is now a portal to a new adventure.

We’re barely inside when our lips crash, and he’s madly clawing at his coat. “I need naked Jillien right now. I need it more than anything I’ve ever fucking wanted. I’m desperate for all of you.”

“Condoms?” I gasp with his mouth firmly on my neck.

“Vasectomy.”

I step back. “Really?”

“I don’t want babies. Nina didn’t want kids, so I did it.”

“And you’re…”

“Clean? Yes.”

“Wow. Seriously—wow. I’m clean, too.” I’m stunned at the divisive nature of that decision but elated to have bareback sex. And turned on by his ownership of the decision. I always forget kids are a choice.

“Good wow?”

I pull my coat off and fling myself at him. “A very good wow. I can’t remember the last time I had sex without worrying. Even with a condom.”

He crooks a sexy eyebrow at me. “But I get to feel you bare? I’ll wrap if you’re nervous. I always do since Nina.”

“Absolutely not! It’s my privilege to feel every enormous, perfectly veined, and muscular part of you.”

He moves on me again, pushing me up against the door, and holding my wrists above my head. His lips move across my jaw, down to my neck, then in between my breasts. I see his face settle into a controlled lust. He exhales, and the energy shifts. He kneels, and I put my fingers through his hair. He snaps back up and cages my hands to the door above my head. “They stay there, or I stop.” He kisses me roughly and our tongues slash at each other’s resolve. He kneels and kisses me through my dress, my tights, and I swear my vagina screams with joy.

He snaps my tights. “I told you to take these off, Ginger Spice. You angling to find out what happens when you don’t listen?” There’s a wicked flash in his eyes, and my nerve endings all fire at once. I’m hot and cold at the same time against the door.

I bite my lip without breaking eye contact. “I’m so, so sorry, Mr. Fletcher. Give me a minute.” I move to go to the bathroom. He anchors my hips and I can’t move.

“Arms.” I quickly put myself back on the door in position. He stands and slowly skims my arms, then laces his fingers in mine. He nips at my ear and says, “All clothing changes happen in front of each other. And clothing choices must be approved.” I panic. There’s no graceful way to get out of tights.