Page 55 of Cross the Line

My teammates cheered, some of them starting to howl. I laughed, joining in.

After that, I showered and got dressed. I still couldn’t believe I’d acted out like that. That wasn’t me, and it wasn’t the type of leader I was or ever wanted to be.

“Hey,” Annika said, placing her hand on my shoulder when I stood next to her at the mirror. “Don’t beat yourself up. We win as a team, and we lose as a team.”

“Thanks. I just…” I blew out a breath. “I wish I’d handled it better.”

“In fairness, some of those calls were shit.” She gave my shoulder a squeeze before releasing me. “We all know it’s more fun when things flow on the ice, but it was just one of those nights. Like you said, we only lose if we don’t learn.”

“What did Coach say?” Steph asked.

“Apparently, I need to get out of my head and into my body.”

Annika grinned. “You know the best way to do that, right?”

“Surfing,” I said at the same time she said, “Sex.” Which made her laugh.

“Who’s having sex?” Ritz asked, coming over to join us so she could swipe some of Annika’s lip gloss.

“Logan, hopefully.” Annika grinned. “Coach told her she needs to relax.” The word “relax” was said in an obnoxiously suggestive tone.

Steph blew a raspberry. “Hate to break it to you, babe, but I’m not sure our girl knows how to relax anymore.” She looked to Annika and Ritz. “I think she’s forgotten our team motto. Work hard and⁠—”

“Play harder,” Ritz chimed in before returning to her locker to stuff her things into her bag.

“That’s right, bitches,” Steph said. “And I have been working way too hard lately. We all have. I am ready to play. And I want it hard.” She grunted, thrusting her hips as if to mimic exactly how she wanted it.

I laughed as Annika said, “Girl, don’t we all.” And then she let out a wistful sigh.

Several of our teammates chimed in with wolf whistles, and the energy lifted even more from the low it had sunk to after the game. I couldn’t imagine a better group to play with. We weren’t just a team; we were a family.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who’s been going through a dry spell,” I said.

“Speak for yourself,” Steph said, brushing imaginary lint off her shoulder. “But I have definitely been working too hard lately. We all have.”

I nodded. Lately, all I did was work. I traveled for games and to film commercials for sponsors. When I wasn’t recording the podcast, I was often working on something for it. I’d been helping even more with the NHL initiative for upstanders, especially now that we were gearing up for the summer program. I was always working, grinding, or hustling, and I was tired.

“What’s wrong?” Annika asked me.

I sank down onto a bench, trying to ignore the soreness in my muscles. “Work hard, play harder was easier to live by when we were in college.”

Annika and I had both attended Dartmouth together, and perhaps it was one of the reasons why we played so well together now. Because of that shared experience. Because we’d been teammates before.

“Because of all the hot guys?” She waggled her brows.

“That definitely helped.” Though life had been so much simpler back then.

Steph took a seat next to me. “You’re a hard worker, but you’ve always been good at finding balance. What’s going on?”

I curled into myself, shoulders slumping. I wanted to act like I didn’t know what was bothering me, but deep down, I knew I was just avoiding it. I was fighting against that wave, and if I didn’t surrender, I was going to drown.

“Since Derek’s death, I feel this constant struggle between wanting to enjoy life and wanting to accomplish as much as I can as fast as I can because I don’t know how much time I’ll have left.”

Next week, he would’ve turned twenty-nine. Even now, almost two years later, it still seemed impossible that he was gone.

“I think that’s natural,” Annika said, looking to Steph as if for backup.

Steph nodded. “It is. Death makes us confront our own mortality. Especially when we lose someone we’re close to, and it’s so unexpected.”