Page 39 of Midnight Mooring

Tierney’s lips twitched with a smirk. “And clearly he went for it.”

“Oh, he went for it. Then afterward … I mean we’d barely finished when I saw his face change.” I looked away, seeing the moment so clearly in my memories. “When he kissed me back, when he touched me … I was so full of hope. Even as frantic as it was between us, I was planning our future together in my mind. Afterward, I was about to tell him that I loved him, but then I saw his expression.” I blinked out of the memory. “He was so ashamed. So horrified. And I knew he didn’t love me. He was just a bit drunk, and I was just a girl he found attractive, and then reality returned and he realized he’d slept with his best friend’s wee sister. So, to save face, I shoved him off and told him not to take it so seriously, that I just wanted to have sex for the first time with someone I trusted.”

My friend appeared crestfallen. “Cammie … did you two never talk about it again?”

I shook my head. “Things were weird for a while. We eventually became friends again. But …”

“You two were never really friends. There’s always been that attraction.”

I nodded, feeling more pissed off knowing that everyone else could see it too. I hadn’t imagined it. “It was safer for me to pretend like it didn’t matter.”

“Don’t you think it’s time you stopped pretending things don’t matter?”

I absolutely agreed. “I realized that when I was on my travels. I realized I’d run away because it was easier than staying here and admitting that I felt like I’d wasted all this time pining after someone who was never going to be what I needed.” At the feel of warm wetness on my cheeks, I let out a hollow laugh of embarrassment.

“Do you love him, Cammie?”

Under Tierney’s judgment-free, sympathetic gaze, I admitted, “Not anymore. I used to. So much. And it used to hurt so much every time he went off to shag some random woman. But I think that’s also the reason I began to fall out of love with Forde. Because all the times he did that, I never once held it against him. I’d tease him a wee bit about it but never maliciously so that it affected our friendship. And suddenly, out of nowhere, he started acting like a jealous prick.” I blanched, shooting Maura an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

“Trust me, she’s heard worse,” Tierney replied wryly.

I snorted at that because Ramsay was a typical f-bomb dropping Scotsman.

“Anyway, you started to feel differently about him …?”

“It was selfish and confusing. All these years of flirting with me but keeping me at arm’s length and then I started seeing Greig, who I wasn’t even serious about, and Forde’s jealousy was so obvious. I’d have to be an idiot not to know he was acting like a jealous pr—” I stopped myself. “Prat. And I just … I realized he wasn’t who I thought he was. I fell in love with a boy who used to treat me like I was precious to him. But I think he wanted me around because I made him feel special, even though he never had any intention of loving me back. Finally acknowledging that, these last few years, my feelings toward him changed. I started seeing him in a different light and I fell out of love with him.”

Tierney considered me and something about the look in her eyes made me feel a bit defensive. Because I wasn’t entirely sure she believed me.

“It’s true,” I insisted.

“Is that why you’re avoiding him?”

My heart raced harder as I remembered everything that occurred three months ago. “He was there for me in Aberdeen. I probably would have fallen apart if he hadn’t been there. Christ, Greig might have caught me in his flat if Forde hadn’t been there. But when we were there, I started to consider that I still had feelings for him, that it could be different between us … then I remembered I’d already been down that road and I didn’t want to go back. Feeling so safe with Forde again scared the utter crap out of me. Because when we were younger, I felt safer with him than anybody, even Quinn.

“Even after we slept together, I felt safe with Forde. Until we got home from Aberdeen and I got some space from him … and I thought about our lives over the past two decades and realized that I had never been safe with him. My heart had never been safe with him, and I’d wasted it on him for years.

“And that’s not his fault,” I rushed to insist. “I don’t blame him for my own feelings or actions. But there were men I never let in because I was holding out for him. Stupidly holding out for him. Until one day I woke up and I was in my mid-thirties still having casual sex. No man, no kids. None of the things I’d dreamed of having by then.”

Fresh tears spilled over as I finally let out the deep sadness I’d held for the past few years. “I know it’s not his fault, but my feelings get so screwed up around him and I just can’t take it anymore, Tierney. I need to move on, and I don’t think I can do that with him in my life. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I can’t even have a friendship with him. I can’t. I realized that after Aberdeen. Everything gets too confusing when I’m with him.”

Tierney put her mug down on the side table and crossed the room to sit next to me. She pulled me into her arms and though it was difficult for me to be comforted, I let her hold me.

After a little while, she offered quietly, tentatively, “Don’t you think you at least owe Forde a conversation?”

I abruptly retreated. “Do I?”

“He’s confused too.”

“Is he? Because he knows, Tierney. He’s known all along how I felt about him.”

“Did you tell him you love him?”

“No, but he knows. I acted like a schoolgirl with a crush every time I was around him. But he wanted me in his life on his terms. I’m not sure I owe him anything.”

“You owe yourself the chance to be honest with him.” Tierney reached out to squeeze my hand. “Do you remember when Ramsay broke things off with me? I mean, you should,” she teased.

I grimaced because when Ramsay had broken things off with Tierney, he’d flirted with some random tourist in the Lantern in front of her and I’d called him out publicly. I’d embarrassed Tierney and then felt awful afterward. Thankfully for Ramsay, or he might not be alive today, he hadn’t gone home with the redhead, and he finally pulled his head out of his arse to realize he was running away from his feelings for Tierney.