Page 20 of The Keeper

“I’m not making fun of you. I’m trying to get you to have fun.” She tapped my forearm. I instinctively tensed. “I promise it won’t kill you.”

No. But she just might.

Her phantom touch lingered on my skin. It was as warm as her smiles whenever she was interacting with Evie, who’d opened up to her more in one day than she had to any of her previous nannies in months.

I understood why. There was a natural gentleness about Carina that put people at ease. She treated Evie like an adult, and she’d struck the perfect balance between setting boundaries and having fun. If I weren’t committed to being single…

I pushed the thought out of my head.

I hadn’t had a proper relationship since Sarah, and that’d been over a decade ago.

Perhaps I’d overreacted when Carina asked about her the other day, but I wasn’t ready to talk about her yet. Even admitting she was Evie’s mother was painful.

I carried a lot of fucked-up baggage, and it was better if I stayed away from the dating pool—for my sake, for Evie’s sake, and for the sake of anyone who thought they could step into a ready-made family with us.

“At first, I thought a trial run was overkill, but I’m glad you made me do one,” Carina said, breaking the silence. “She’s a great kid. I get why you’re so protective of her.”

“Most parents are protective of their children.”

“True, but not everyone with your resources invests this much time and energy in personally vetting nannies. They usually delegate it to an assistant or something.” Her voice softened. “You’re a good dad.”

My heart twisted into a painful knot. I stopped at a red light, her words slipping beneath my skin to pull at old scabs. “I try.”

Except most of the time, I feel like I’m failing.

The sense that I was lacking somehow grew stronger with each passing day. When Evie and I were younger, and I’d been laser-focused on advancing my career, it’d been easier to pretend our occasional hangouts were enough while her old nanny picked up the slack.

But I was always working. If I didn’t have training or an actual match, I had media interviews. Photoshoots. Meetings and strategy sessions and general upkeep to ensure I stayed fit enough to maintain or even surpass my current level.

I’d thought it would slow down and I’d have time to catch my breath, but it never did. And in that time, Evie grew up. She wasn’t a toddler anymore; she was almost a teenager.

The days slipped through my fingers faster than I could count them, and I was scared that the next time I blinked, she’d be gone. Off to college and then the real world, before I even had the chance to keep up with her childhood.

Was I a good dad? Maybe. But I wasn’t the best dad I could be. That was a fact.

“Do you have any siblings?” I asked in an attempt to pull myself out of my melancholic thoughts. “You’re a natural with Evie.”

“No, but I took care of my little cousins a lot when I was a teenager. Plus, I babysat for neighbors, tutored kids in maths, all the stuff you already know.”

“Do you want kids of your own someday?”

There was a long pause. It was a pretty personal question to ask someone whom I didn’t know that well, but it was too late for me to take it back.

“Maybe,” Carina said softly. “I’m not sure.”

There was a world of subtext buried beneath her words, but I didn’t press further. She sounded the way I did when people asked if I planned to date again anytime soon. Some topics were better left untouched.

We didn’t speak again for the rest of the ride.

When I pulled up in front of her flat, Evie was still asleep. Carina stopped me from waking her.

“Let her sleep. I’ll see her tomorrow.” She unbuckled her seat belt and hesitated. “Thank you again for the ride.”

“You’re welcome.”

Our eyes met for a brief moment. Then she was gone, and my lungs remembered how to work properly again.

Evie stirred halfway through our drive home. She lifted her head and blinked the sleep out of her eyes. “Did we drop Carina off already?” she asked groggily.