Page 16 of Fear Me Not

“Oh, you’re up already.”

It’s Blake. I don’t want to look at him. I can’t look at him. I’m worried if I do, I’ll crumble.

“Yeah, I was hungry.”

“I should have thought of that. I could have brought you something to eat so you could have stayed in bed.”

“I don’t need you looking after me, Blake.” I get to my feet and dump the plate and cutlery in the sink. I should wash off my dishes, but fuck it. Cleaning up my mess is the least he can do. “I think I’ll go back to my room.”

“No, stay. We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t. I won’t forgive you. It doesn’t matter what you say. You never considered for one second how it would make me feel to believe I had killed my own boyfriend.”

Blake opens his mouth, and I know exactly what he’s going to say—that Tobias wasn’t even a real boyfriend—but I throw up a hand to stop him.

“I don’t care what kind of thin excuses you make. You knew what you were doing. You chose to protect Dov over me, and I get that part, believe it or not. I understand that you would always choose your son. That was the right thing to do, as fucked up as this whole situation is. But what really hurts is that you didn’t trust me with the truth. You didn’t think I had it in me to stick around knowing who Dov was, and what he was capable of. You actually thought it was better for me to believe I’d killed Tobias. Why? Because it made me weaker. Because it made me need you more.”

Blake doesn’t meet my eye. A muscle in his jaw ticks and he stares at the floor.

I keep going, caught up in my fury. “I might not be able to go anywhere, but this place is plenty big enough to avoid each other until the snow thaws.”

Blake shoves his fists into his jeans pockets. “Pen, it’s not a good idea⁠—”

“Aspen,” I snap. “My name is Aspen. You’ve lost the right to give me any kind of nickname, understood?”

He ducks his head and gives it a slow shake, as though he’s exasperated with me. The action only makes me madder.

“My dad would be ashamed of you, do you know that? He’d be so fucking ashamed of you. But then he probably already knew exactly what sort of man you are, didn’t he? That’s why he hadn’t spoken to you for so long. I always believed that whatever the two of you had fallen out over was just something minor, but I guess he was right to keep his distance.”

“This has nothing to do with your dad.”

“No? Even though you picked me up at his funeral? Did you even come to pay your respects that day, or were you there to pick me up? Were you on the hunt for your new prey?”

Blake puts up both hands. “I never went there with the intention of bringing you back here.”

I have no idea whether to believe him or not. It feels like every word that comes out of his mouth is bullshit.

I’m so angry. So fucking angry, and not only at Blake, but at myself. I’ve been naïve and stupid. I allowed myself to be carried along on the crazy rush of these men and this place and lost my head along the way. Even worse is that I still want to throw myself into his arms, to tell him I love him with all of my traitorous heart and I forgive him and have him make everything right again. The prospect of the next few months trapped here wouldn’t seem anywhere near as daunting if I was able to spend it in his arms.

But I can’t just forget what he did, and I can’t risk trusting my heart to him again. The pain is too unbearable.

“Is it because I’m stupid?” I throw at him.

“What?” His brow furrows.

“Stupid fucking Aspen who barely knows how to read her own name, right? She’s too dumb to figure out what’s really going on. We can make her believe whatever the hell we want, and she’s too thick to know any different.”

He stares in shock. “Jesus, Aspen. You can’t seriously believe that’s how I think of you.”

“Well, you don’t think of me with any kind of respect, do you?” I throw up my hands. “And why would you? Some stupid eighteen-year-old who is homeless, never graduated school, and can’t even fucking read or write. What is there to respect?”

“Please don’t speak about yourself that way.”

“Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“It’s not the fucking truth. You’re breaking my goddamned heart talking about yourself that way. Just because your brain works differently does not make you stupid. You’re incredibly talented, Aspen. The pictures you create are breathtaking, and one day, they’re going to open up a whole new world for you. I truly believe that. So what if words don’t make sense to you when you can create so much beauty from a simple pencil and paper?”

“So I can draw. Big deal.”