Page 209 of Face Off

“Why?”

“Because it worked. Lance never reached the clinic. He didn’t interfere with your doctors, convince you to leave, or turn my investigation into another reason you had to manage his emotions. You got the help you needed without knowing my career was being dragged through his bullshit.”

She stares at me as though I’ve struck her. “You were defending your career while checking whether I was eating.”

“I wasn’t checking every meal. I didn’t even know you had an eating disorder. I just thought you were fighting for perfection.”

“You know what I mean!”

“Yeah, mami. I know.”

Her fingers curl against her palms. “How can you stand there and tell me all of this like it was nothing?”

“It wasn’t nothing.”

“You protected me after I destroyed you.”

“I protected your treatment. That doesn’t mean I forgave what you did.”

“Why would you care whether I got better?”

The question tears out of her with enough agony to strip every defense from it.

I stare at her. “You know why.”

“Say it.”

“Don’t.”

“You want me to understand all these invisible lines you drew without ever telling me where they were. You loved me enough to make sure I was safe but not enough to let me know you were suffering. You hated me enough to leave but not enough to stop watching. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You always know!”

“No, I fucking don’t!” I strike one hand against my chest. “I knew I couldn’t be with you. I knew I couldn’t survive another promise that disappeared when someone opened a door. None of that made me stop loving you!”

Her face crumples.

“Leaving didn’t make me indifferent,” I continue. “It made me gone. Those are not the same thing.”

Charm presses a fist against her mouth, but it doesn’t contain the sob. I step into her space again. This time, she doesn’t shove me away. She catches my shirt with both hands and lowers her forehead against my chest while her entire body shakes between us.

“You should hate me,” she says into the fabric.

“I already told you. I tried.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I. Hating you took too much fucking energy, and it didn’t change anything.”

Her hands tighten. “You’re still the best person I know.”

“That is an alarming indictment of your social circle.”

“Ryan.”

“I rage-fucked you and called it goodbye. I’m no saint.”