Page 92 of Infernal Bonds

“You need to think about it,” I said, taking his free hand. “Because I don’t blame you. Cyn doesn’t blame you.” I released an amused huff. “I think you’re forgetting how you saved Cyn and me when that oversized flower tried to kill us.”

“I just wish I’d done more.” He dropped the stalk. “Now we might die out here. Or worse!” He pushed to his feet and paced away from me, mumbling, “I don’t want to turn into a lesser infernal.”

I never wanted to become a creature of nightmare, but I hadn’t expected how difficult it would be for the guys to face the real possibility that this place’s magic could corrupt their thoughts and alter their bodies. I’d assumed we’d get out of here and it wouldn’t be an issue. But if Zeke was afraid…

I pushed to my feet.

If I thought about it, I was at as much risk as they were. I wasn’t human. No matter how many times reality smacked me in the face, I struggled to grasp it. Without being able to transform and protect them or myself, I didn’t know when I’d get over the momentary shock I felt every time I realized I wasn’t the old Rae.

“I can’t promise anything except that we’re gonna do everything possible to get out of here,” I said, approaching him. “But I can say I understand.”

Zeke turned to me, brows drawn. “How? You haven’t seen it.”

“Seen it?”

“A few years ago, Orin, one of our old squad members, got lost coming back from Moicae. Something chased him from the main path, and I guess he got turned around. Somehow he made his way back onto the path near the gate, but he wasn’t himself anymore.”

A knot formed in my stomach. How would they know it was still their teammate if he’d transformed?

“We couldn’t do anything other than put him down,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut. “His eyes were still like mine. I saw the fear in them.”

Oh god.

“The curse was there, but Orin hadn’t finished changing.” Zeke swallowed. “I thought the mind was the first thing to go, but he proved that isn’t always the case.” He looked at me, and his voice cracked when he said, “Orin was still there, Rae. He’d made it home.”

But they still ended his life.

“Can you still say you understand?”

I couldn’t imagine the immense emotional toll of being forced to kill a teammate while he remained aware of everything.

Knowing the magic of this forest could render a Shyrlivi completely defenseless, forcing them to witness their own powerlessness in real time as the curse consumed them, reshaped how I viewed Feranzis.

How many lesser infernals kept pieces of their former minds but couldn’t access them when it mattered? How many still remembered who they used to be? How many spent years trapped inside bodies they no longer controlled?

This wasn’t just a place filled with monsters. The echoes of past tragedies fed the cursed magic of this place.

I wouldn’t minimize his experience or try to pretend it hadn’t traumatized him, leaving him with lasting fear. I wanted him to know I understood the fear of losing yourself and that he wasn’t alone.

“Until we met, I believed I was falling victim to the same mental illness that the women in my family suffered from. Growing up, I watched the women I loved slowly transform into something different as their minds slipped away—or so I thought.”

His pinched features softened.

“Before I knew it was all real, the thing I feared most was losing touch with reality to the point I wasn’t myself anymore.” I looked at the corpse still dangling from the tree. “Even if my body wouldn’t change, my mind wouldn’t be my own anymore.”

“Rae,” he whispered.

I looked back at him. “Do you understand now?”

He stepped forward and pulled me into his arms, pressing his nose into my hair. “We’ll get out of here.”

“What’s going on?”

We both turned as Cyn strode toward us, carrying a black bag.

“What’s that?” Zeke asked.

Cyn looked down at his leg. His pants were torn off from the knee down. “Made a bag out of the cloth. Here.” He shoved the bag at me. “Eat these and rehydrate. It’ll get the taste of vomit out of your mouth too.”