Page 162 of Infernal Secrets

Ash loosened his hold a fraction when I tried to move. “I’ll let you go if I have to, but I’d rather you stay.”

“Why do either of you care?” I turned into Ash’s arm, drinking in the scent of his skin.

Ash and Zeke answered at the same time. “Why wouldn’t we care?” “Of course I care.”

I twisted to peer up at Ash’s face. “Ever since we slept together, you’ve ditched me. I thought we…” My anger rose when my voice cracked. “I know we can’t be anything, and I accept that, but you didn’t have to abandon me.”

His lips parted.

Ignoring him, I turned to Zeke. “And you—ever since I told you about Cyn and me, you’ve…” My voice softened, and I struggled to form my next words. “You were the one who felt most like a friend… but something else. You kept me laughing when I lost the only thing I had left in this world.”

I crossed both arms over my eyes and took a slow inhale to steady myself. Exhaling, I said, “I shouldn’t have given in to Cyn. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to feel with Ash. I shouldn’t wanna—” I clenched my fists, knowing exactly what my family would say about it—what they’d call me. “No wonder you both pulled away.”

When Ash grabbed one arm and Zeke took the other, pinning my hands above my head, I gasped.

“Are you done?” Ash narrowed his eyes.

I looked between them.

Fire flared in Ash’s eyes, while sadness weighed down Zeke’s stare.

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Don’t ever say that again,” Ash said, tightening his grip on mine.

“What part?”

“That you shouldn’t have allowed yourself to feel with me. Don’t tarnish something so beautiful. I wouldn’t take it back. Even with everything we can’t have.” He released my hand, and Zeke followed suit. Ash trailed his fingers down my arm and over my cheek, voice dropping to a whisper as he repeated, “I wouldn’t take it back.”

I swallowed hard, but it did little to ease the tightness in my throat. I averted my gaze. “It doesn’t matter. You’re leaving anyway. Maybe it’s easier this way.”

“And this is why I pulled away.” He sat back. “You’re not the only one hurt by this. It kills me to leave you, but I can’t abandon my duty. I thought I was making it easier on us both, but I’ve been miserable. And I guess I wasn’t the only one.”

I snorted without humor, sitting up. “Yeah, you can say that again.”

“It won’t happen again. As long as I’m here.”

I knew, deep in my heart, that was the best he could offer. Demanding anything more would be selfish. While the intense feelings confused me, it wasn’t as if I were in love with him. I couldn’t love anyone. Not the way I should. A lifetime of avoiding reality came at a price.

I looked at Zeke. His silence during the entire conversation was unlike him.

As if he’d been waiting for my acknowledgment, he sat up and pulled me into his arms, clutching me to his chest. “I’m still here.” He stroked my hair. “I’m here. I’m so sorry, Rae.”

I wrapped my arms around his lean waist and breathed in his honey-vanilla scent.

“I didn’t know,” he mumbled against the top of my head. “I’m so stupid.”

I lifted my head to look at him. “What?”

He looked uncomfortable, rubbing his earring between his fingers. “Whenever I’m upset, I cope in different ways, and I don’t always realize the impact on people around me.” He stared at his hand in mine as I pulled it down into my lap. “I told you about the cleaning, but sometimes I retreat into my own head if it gets bad enough. I also spend a lot of time outside because I like the sun.”

“You have sun in Elyrdin?” I put my hand over my mouth. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“Not like Earth’s sun. The infernal plane has its own sun, two moons, and stars. I’ve always imagined they’re other planes we can’t access.”

Ash reached out and touched Zeke’s forearm. “Finish telling her what you were saying before. We’ll tell her more about Elyrdin another time.”

Zeke bobbed his head twice. “Yeah. Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve been upset, but it wasn’t because of what happened with you and Cyn. I… don’t have a problem with that at all. Promise. I told you I didn’t, and I said I wouldn’t lie to you.” He squeezed my hand. “My wings,” he whispered, voice breaking as his eyes teared up. “Losing a piece of myself hurt more than I thought it would.”