Page 118 of Deacon

‘Drink,’ Shalini said, leaving zero room for debate. ‘It’ll cool you down.’

I stared at her.

‘Shalini, it’s sweltering, and you’re handing me scalding tea,’ I said, raising an eyebrow. ‘How does that make sense?’

‘People in the tropics beg to differ, babe,’ she replied, taking a drink from her mug. ‘The hotness forces your body to sweat, which lowers your core temperature. Trust the science and stop acting like I’m trying to cook you alive.’

I took a sip of the creamy, golden liquid and breathed in the evocative spices.

Shalini always prepared her chai from scratch.

She loaded it with sugar and extra cream, sometimes even adding condensed milk, which made it delicious.

‘Not bad,’ I smirked, giving her my assessment.

‘It’s the best,’ she simpered. ‘Now, spill.’

I let out a long breath and stared into my mug.

‘I still have feelings for Deacon, which is killing me because I’m working through the fact that I’m divorcing Max.’

‘You’ve never been shot of D.’

‘No. Especially now that we’ve discussed Estella. We finally spoke about her in Mijas.’

‘Was she the reason you walked away in the first place?’ Shalini asked.

I glanced at her, surprised.

‘I’ve never shared?’

‘No. You’ve mentioned how you two argued, but you never went into the real deal. I chalked it up to maintaining respect for each other, so I never pried.’

She was right. I tended to stay silent about my challenges with Deacon.

Perhaps I’d been trying to protect him.

I sensed it was time to open up, if only to lift some of the pain inside me.

‘You want the truth? You’ll get it now. I left him because I couldn’t handle the grief. Every time I glanced at his face, I saw Estella. She had her father’s exact emerald-and-gold eyes while Raff takes after me.’

Shalini’s face softened, her eyes glimmering with empathy.

‘I hear you. It’s been five years, right?’

‘Something like that,’ I murmured. ‘She arrived at thirty-seven weeks and survived for eight days before our doctors confirmed she wouldn’t make it through surgery. Her heart defect was too severe. The medics took her off life support with our permission. When it happened, my soul shattered. I spent nine months carrying her, holding on to the promise of my little girl. I pictured dressing her, brushing her hair, taking her shopping for clothes. However, she never survived a single night outside the neonatal unit. Planning her funeral broke me.’

Shalini reached across the sofa and covered my hand.

‘Ana, losing a child is the worst tragedy imaginable. I know because my mother lost my twin at birth. You’ll always carry the physical and emotional burden in your body.’

‘It was worse at the start. For months, grief ruled me,’ I said, the memories rushing out. ‘I scarcely left my bed, dragging myself up only to give the last scraps of my energy to Raff. The loss of my dad in high school was nothing compared to that empty crib. We couldn’t even look at her room. We begged our families to clear out the clothes and toys, so the sight of them wouldn’t destroy Deacon and me.’

‘You were trying to survive an unlivable situation,’ Shalini said. ‘Removing those triggers was pure survival instinct.’

‘But you can’t erase tragedy by clearing out a room. We were both carrying a burden without the tools or wisdom to navigate it together.’

‘I hear you.’