Page 124 of Assassin: Part 1

“But she knew your real name.”

“She’s known me since I was brought to that school.” I grab the soap and scrub my skin hard, unable to sit still. Talking about my past isn’t exactly something I want to do today.

And damn me for opening my big mouth again. Why the hell can’t I stay quiet?

Ilya watches me. “Who gave you that name? Your family?”

Yeah, I’m not getting into that. I swallow the bitterness down.

“It doesn’t matter how I got the name. The only thing that matters is that you understand how few people know it and are living. I had no name when I was in that school. Only a number until I was old enough to assume an alias. Then, I was assigned one until they deemed it was time for me to change.”

His expression darkens. “So, what, they wanted you to forget your name?”

“Having a name humanizes you. We were soldiers and cattle for all intents and purposes to them. Look, I’m not trying to start the day off on a shit note, but I need you to understand that outside of this room, and outside of spaces that I can know for certain are safe, I will not answer to my name.”

“I hate that you have to hide yourself this way.” He grabs his own soap and briskly washes.

“Do you know how many people want me dead, pet? Trust me, you’re going to be glad I’m doing all this.”

“Just how many enemies do you have?”

I shrug. “I don’t keep count. But considering the people I’ve killed, there are a lot of people who have been trying to find me for years. Even as far back as some of my first assignments. The Chameleon isn’t in the business of making friends.”

He shakes his head. “I still can’t fucking wrap my head around that. Do I dare ask how you got that name? And when?”

“We’ll save story hour for another time.” I’m not all that certain how much I want him to know.

Just because I’m going to try and do this whole thing with him doesn’t mean I’m going to trust him with everything. Probably never will.

I can tell he wants to push, but he lets it drop and asks, “So what name have you been using if you can’t use your own?”

“Tatiana Alekseeva has been the name I’ve used as of late. I haven’t quite decided if I want to keep it or the story that goes along with it.”

“Why?”

I don’t want to get into everything that went down in New York, because that will get his damn nose going to try and sniff out the truth. “With Pasha dead, the alias will be too well known, so it’s time for them to die and someone new to be set up.”

“Maybe it’s time for you to stop hiding who you are,” he suggests. I narrow my eyes at him, but he holds up his hand. “Hold on. Before you freak out at me, listen. You’ve been hiding who you are for years. I’m not saying you don’t keep doing that for the Chameleon work, but who the hell is going to associate Lane with them? Every single person I know assumes you’re a man. Why can’t you be yourself here, in what I want you to see as your home? Let this be the one place that you can be who you are.”

“You have hundreds of people who work for you, Ilya. Do I need to remind you of my whole speech?” A part of me agrees with what he’s saying, but the more logical part of me knows that is a very dangerous and stupid idea.

“What if you use Lane but put a different last name? One that you’ve never used before. You said yourself you can create an alias easily enough.”

I narrow my eyes. “Why are you pushing for this, Ilya?”

He sighs. “Because after what you told me, I want you to be able to have parts of yourself again. He took that from you, and letting him keep it, still gives him power. Your name is Lane. It’s the one you’ve chosen to keep for yourself, even when he tried to make you forget it. Why can’t you start using it again, without the fear of someone else knowing what it is?”

“That’s not… That’s not how it works, Ilya. Someone knowing my real name puts anyone who does in danger. Puts me in danger. I don’t know how else to explain that to you.”

“But Mishka is going to be using his real name, not a fake one. Why is it any different for you?”

“It just is.” It’s far too complicated for me to explain, but at the same time, I agree with him it’s tiring to always remember the name I’ve chosen. Tatiana has been my name for the last six months, so changing to Lane could be possible.

“I think you’ve been running for a long damn time, lisichka, and now it’s time for you to start realizing that you don’t have to. Who other than us knows your real name?”

“Everyone in that room when Rori made me announce it. I’m going to pay her back for that one day too.”

“And do you think she or Alonzo are ever going to give that name to anyone? Do they know your last name?”