Page 73 of Smash

Shopping with Lacey didn’t sound all that appealing. Plus, I really should get a head start on the new manuscript Liz had sent me. I seemed to be on a roll when it came to pleasing my boss, and I didn’t want to ruin the streak. I might’ve ditched work for alcohol and a venting session, but shopping didn’t seem quite worth it. This was probably for the better since I couldn’t be trusted not to bare my soul under the influence. Given recent developments, that would be riskier than ever.

“Actually, I have quite a bit of manuscript reading to do, so I’d better spend the afternoon actually working.”

“Okay.” Lacey sighed. “No worries. We should catch up soon over drinks, though. I want to hear the latest on your crush.” She winked.

My stomach sank. I so regretted opening up to Lacey the night I was drunk. “There’s nothing new to report, so I’ll save you the wonder,” I lied. “That whole thing is over. Not sure what I was thinking.”

“Aw, shucks. I was hoping for something more exciting.” She snapped her fingers. “Alrighty then. See you later. We’re doing yoga tomorrow morning, right?”

I nodded. “See ya.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and stayed at the office until the very last minute when I saw the carpet cleaners arrive. But even as I descended in the elevator to the lobby, I hadn’t figured out where to go. The last thing I needed was to run into Rafe when he wouldn’t be expecting me home in the middle of the day. I bet he let his guard down during those hours, probably the only time he left his door open anymore.

After I left the building, I sat outside for a bit, scrolling on my phone. My mind wandered to thoughts of Rafe again. It was hard to believe it’d been almost two weeks since I’d last seen him—the day he’d told me not to come to his apartment again. By some miracle, our paths hadn’t crossed at all since then. I mean, he was actively avoiding me, so maybe it wasn’t just luck. He’d been keeping his door shut, which made me feel terrible, as I knew he needed to look after his aunt Rosie.

Calder, on the other hand, was paying more attention to me than ever. He seemed to believe that was what I needed, based on my bizarre behavior lately. The combination of fear and guilt that bulldozed me at the apartment made me not want to return home most nights.

So, for now, I just kept scrolling on my phone, eventually checking the site where Rafe posted his performance videos. It was the only way I could see him anymore. I’d been relegated to “just some fan” like everyone else. It was hard to resist watching him online when he couldn’t see me doing it. It was like mild stalking. I’d convinced myself I was doing this to make sure he was okay. But I was pretty sure I missed him, even if that was wrong. Maybe Calder needed to get the London job now more than ever to save me from destroying everything.

He’d posted a video from earlier in the week. Rafe’s performances always started the same way. He’d slowly walk around the flat sheet of glass, as if pondering what to create, building suspense. The audience would wait in anticipation, and I could hear them whispering in the background. Pretty sure it was mostly women talking about how hot he was.

Then he bent down and took his hammer to the glass for the first time. The crowd always went wild.

In this latest video, Rafe seemed more serious than usual during the performance, reacting less to the audience’s oohs and aahs and instead keeping his attention on the project. I watched as he went about things in his normal rhythm: strike, pause, circle around, adjust. My heart beat faster every time he smashed the hammer to the glass. I always found myself in awe watching him. What those people in the audience probably didn’t realize was how much vulnerability Rafe hid behind his talent. Deep down, a part of him was still that boy inside, the one who let himself get lost in his art to escape an abusive home.

After a while, I began to see what he was creating. It was different from his usual pieces, most of which were depictions of people or animals. This one was a series of hearts, each shattered in the middle.

***

In the end, I nixed the idea of stopping at the café and went home to finish the rest of my work for the day at the apartment. Rafe’s door had been closed as I passed, so I’d worried about running into him for nothing.

I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop and opened the new manuscript Liz had sent me and immersed myself in the story. This one was a sapphic romance that thankfully didn’t mirror my life in any way.

A little while later, Calder called.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Hey, you. Want to grab a drink? I’m outside your building in Midtown.”

My stomach sank, guilt once again washing over me. “Oh, no. I’m not there. The office closed early today for carpet cleaning, so I’m already home.”

“You’re kidding…” He sighed.

“I’m not.”

“Well, that sucks. I was thinking this would be a nice surprise. I told some guys from work I’d meet them at a bar, and I suggested a place close to your work. I wanted you to join us and meet some of my work friends. One of them is bringing his girlfriend.” He sighed again. “Figures…the one time I decide to surprise you.”

“You should go anyway, since you’re already in the neighborhood.”

“You sure?”

“Of course. You shouldn’t bail on your friends just because I’m not there. Go have fun. I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”

“What are you up to?”

“I’m actually deep in a new manuscript I just got. So I won’t mind a quiet house for a little longer.”

“Want me to pick up dinner on my way home?”