Page 79 of Badd B*tch

"Definitely."

It was supremely weird and not a little embarrassing, having to let her put my underwear on me like I was a toddler just learning how to shit somewhere other than his pants. I probably could have managed it, but it’d have hurt like a bitch, and I was in enough pain as it was that I just let her help. Also, I was a little scared to not let her. She didn't zip or button my jeans, because I was still too hard to fit.

"I feel bad," she muttered, glancing at my bulge, “leaving you like that."

I snorted. "Don't. I'll be fine. It'll go away."

She broke some sticks and built up the fire until it was big and hot, and then tossed the bandages into the fire. They hissed and belched a thick cloud of smoke and steam as the water content of the blood was flash-boiled away, and then a few seconds later, the rest of the combustible materials caught in a bright yellow flare.

Once the gauze was burning—and would therefore not attract any unwanted critters—she plucked the lumpy little joint she'd rolled from behind my ear. Somehow, it had stayed there the whole time. She pressed the tip to a cherry-red coal at the edge of the fire until it caught, and then handed it to me; I puffed it to life and took a long hit, sighing it out. The relief was immediate—it didn't kill the pain, just dulled the intensity of it to a more manageable degree. I still hurt like a motherfucker, but I also still didn’t regret a damn thing.

"Well, you don’t have to look so damn pleased with yourself," Tea said.

I grinned, winking at her through a cloud of smoke. "But I am. Getting to make you come like that was the privilege of a lifetime. If that's all I ever got to do with you, I could die a happy man right now."

“Please don't die," she whispered, voice shaky.

Oh.

Oh shit.

"Tea—goddamn it, I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say to you, of all people. I really am an idiot."

She shook her head. "I know what you meant."

"But still."

She touched her fingers to my lips. "Jax, I—" A sigh, eyes casting up to the sky for a second before going back to mine. "Something about seeing you bleeding like that triggered me. Triggered…" A shake of her head. "Memories."

"Would it help to talk about it or no?" I asked.

"It was just Luke and me for a while. After…after we left Boulder to hold them off…” she sighed shakily. "Luke and I were both hit, but Luke was in bad, bad shape. The bullet had gone through him, and I couldn’t stop the bleeding. I didn’t have a first aid kit. There hadn't been time to grab it, what with the gunfight starting the second we hit dirt. I just…I have this one memory. Why this one, I don’t know. We were on a ridgeline, hidden in some trees. It was the middle of the night. There were so many stars out, Jax. It was unreal. We didn’t have a fire, couldn't risk one. But between the stars and the moon, there was enough light to see by." She was quiet for a beat. "I'd cut off parts of my flight suit to use as bandages. It just…seeped. There was so much blood and I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t gushing, just slowly, consistently seeping out, and I couldn't…" She indicated my side. "Seeing your bloody bandages…"

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She didn't hear me, lost in memory. "He lasted another twelve hours after that. I…he…I couldn't move him. He was too weak and too big. And I was hurt too.” Her voice broke. "He died trying to say he loved me. He—he didn't—"

"Oh god, Tea."

"He couldn't get it out before he died."

Silence.

"But I knew. I knew."

More silence.

"I took his tags," she said, reaching into her shirt and pulling out the dog tags that were such a normal part of her that I hadn't even really registered their presence around her neck. When she lifted them out, I realized there were two sets—hers and his. "I had to leave him there. I made it back to friendly territory on my own and got rescued. I…I escaped medical and flew the recovery mission myself. I just…I couldn't let anyone else do it. They were my responsibility. I had to bring them back. And I did."

"God…damn," I whispered. "Tea."

She shook her head. "I just got triggered." She looked at me, then. "You shouldn't have done that."

"But I did, and I'd do it again." I took her hand and pressed her fingers to my pulse at my throat. "Feel."

She frowned. "Your pulse. So?"

"Feel it. Count the beats."