Page 49 of Ashborne Phoenix

‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘When I stood in that room with all of them, and watched them, when I felt her power, when I saw the king and the shadows in his eyes… I could feel it, Kham. I could feel that I was stronger than them. That I could beat them. And I thought… I thought about revenge. I thought about putting her through what she did to me. I thought about humiliating Breckon for the way he treated Grace. I thought about—’

‘Will you do it?’

‘…No.’ But it took too long for me to answer, and he knew. I squirmed at the sense of his scrutiny.

‘This is what you truly fear,’ he said gravely. ‘You fear going back. Becoming one of them once more.’

‘No! I don’t want that—’

‘You fear you’ll give in to the desire to punish them.’

‘They deserve punishment!’

‘Indeed, they do,’ he intoned. ‘But darkness cannot expel darkness, Voski. You know that. You’ve lived it.’

God, I hated the way he made my chest tight. ‘I don’t want to be a Cruor!’

‘No, you only want to be so powerful that they fear you the way you once feared them.’

‘I still fear them!’

‘Even more to my point.’

‘Kham, you told me to tell you the shape of my fear—well, this is it! I’m afraid because I enjoy being more powerful than them. I worry I’ll turn into something I don’t want to be, because it feels like the only way to remove their power in my life.’

The words hung between us, crackling, like the energy of lightning in the air before the bolt.

Where would it strike?

‘Their power in your life is your fear, not their strength.’

I hated it when he said things like that. ‘If I ceased fearing them this moment, it wouldn’t change the power they could wield against me.’

‘No, but you would meet it differently. No longer focused on the past, but on the purpose before you to defeat them now. The child within you, the one who weeps, will not be healed by becoming the monster who devours other monsters.’

‘I don’t want to be a monster!’

‘Then do not give in to the dark.’ When I didn’t answer, Kham sighed. ‘Only you can determine your course, Voski.’

I frowned. ‘What are you talking about? You always say God’s in control, and I can trust His power to—’

‘He offers you free will. The choice to follow or fight is yours. Your blood was awakened by darkness, and so darkness attracts you. Now, you have tasted light. Which do you prefer?’

‘The light, of course!’ I snapped, frustrated. ‘But—’

‘Only you can choose for you. The Creator will not force you to His way. And the darkness cannot either. If that is your fear, let me soothe it for you: Your protection in the Creator’s light is that you cannot be made to become someone you are not. The weakness you feel, the fragility, the temptation… that is your heart, revealing itself. But no matter how weak you become, the choice of which power you follow remains yours. What you choose is what you will become.’

I frowned. ‘But sometimes I act, or speak without thinking and that takes me dark places, and—’

‘And if that occurs, the next moment you think, you’ll make the choice again. It is in your hands. Always. To follow, or to turn to a new path. I’ll help you, but I won’t force you. Can you see it, Voski?’ he asked carefully. ‘Can you see that, no matter what is outside your control, none can truly remove your will? They may challenge it. They may tempt you, seduce you, frighten you. They may tie up your body and place you where they wish. But no one touches your will, no one beyond the One who created you may touch your self. And He does not do so without your permission. And neither does darkness force your will—’

‘Bullshit! They force so much!’

Kham rumbled. ‘Enticement is not control. Temptation is not sin. And pain is not power—they bring these weapons against you, that much is true. But the choices beyond each remain in your hands.’

The words were profound—and yet, muddy. I knew he was correct. But it didn’t feel true.

‘Think on it. Pray on it,’ Kham sent softly. ‘And if you want encouragement, to see what I see in you, then keep your mouth shut one moment longer.’