Page 72 of The Lockdown Mann

Worry pounces on my chest, pressing a heavy weight there.

Me: We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You can change your mind at any time.

Oakley: That’s not what I mean. I want you, Des.

I smile at his telling me he wants it, that he wants me.

Me: I want you too. What do you mean, then?

Oakley: Nothing. Ignore me.

My fingers linger as I think about asking the question I really want to ask. I shouldn’t. I should just take what’s given to me, but I’ve never been good at that. I always want more, more, more, and it always gets me into trouble.

I can’t hold back, though, even though there’s a part of me that says asking for more is going to push him away.

Me: Is there any way you can stay all night?

It’s a selfish question to ask. He’s got a kid at home, one he sees a whole lot less during the season, but I don’t just want to fuck him and watch him go out the door. I want to take care of him afterward, want to hold him, want to make sure he’s okay.

Oakley: I don’t know.

Disappointment stings inside of me.

Me: It’s cool. Just thought I’d ask.

Oakley: I want to. I’ll try.

Me: I don’t think once will be enough. You’re going to become addicted to this dick.

It’s not what I want to say, not what I mean to say, but I don’t take the words back. This shit is a lot easier if I try to pretend the ache isn’t there, the want, the feeling that I’ll never be enough and that maybe I only ever wanted to be enough for Oak.

I expect him to say some sarcastic shit back, to tell me to fuck off, but that’s not what happens.

Oakley: I’ll see what I can do.

Me: Good. I’m fucking dying for you, Oak. I’ll make it good for you. I promise.

Oakley: I don’t doubt it. I wouldn’t want it to be anyone but you.

Hope blooms in my chest, but I do my best to tamp it down. Oakley has been in a serious, committed relationship for most of his life. He deserves some freedom now, deserves a chance to see what’s out there, not have the guy who didn’t want to let him go the first time try to tie him down now.

*

I spend my morning cleaning up my fade, moisturizing my scalp, and getting ready for Oak to get here. I got food for dinner, knowing that he’ll be here for that at least.

When my doorbell rings around one, I smile, not having expected him this early. When I pull it open, he’s standing there, looking like he got a fresh haircut too, wearing a backward hat, athletic pants, and a tight T-shirt. He looks fine as fuck, but then, he always does.

I nod toward his hand. “Bag mean what I think it does?”

Oakley offers a bashful nod before making eye contact with me. “Yeah. T is actually staying the night with her grandparents. Sanaa wants her there as much as possible, wants to spend time with her just because…” He doesn’t have to say what the because is. “Anyway, I talked to Ree. She’s going to be out too, so I let her know I was staying here.”

“Here?” I cock a brow, pulse jumping to a faster rhythm.

“Shit, not here, here. I just meant out with whoever she thinks I’m with.”

He means the woman she thinks he’s with.

Not me.