Page 62 of Top Shelf

“Why not?” Nia asks.

I hesitate, then shrug. “Because I don’t wanna be with someone else.”

The room stills enough that I know more explanation is needed.

“Jesus, don’t make it weird.” I take another drink. “I can handle horny. I have a high sex drive and a functioning drawer of solutions. Yesterday I used my vibrator in the shower because I woke up draped over him and spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about what his hands would feel like on me.”

Lulu grins. “Attagirl.”

“My point is, I know exactly what I want to do to him.”

“And what you want him to do to you,” Zoe adds.

“Extensively.”

Carina makes a small sound. “So what are you worried about?”

I stare down at my ring. “That I’d fuck him and then have to wake up beside him the next morning.”

The room goes quiet, and I sigh.

“A hookup ends—this doesn’t. I’d still live with him and share his bed… He remembers meetings I mention once, and he leaves water by the bed for me in case I’m thirsty. And then I wake up half on top of him, and he just waits. He doesn’t make me feel stupid or try to touch me just because we signed a stupid document.” My throat works around the last part, and I laugh. “I want him so badly I’m getting stupid about it. I know how to handle hot, and I know how to handle dirty, I just don’t know what to do with… this.”

Nia’s mouth parts slightly, but she says nothing. Carina reaches across the space between us and rests her hand over my ankle, her thumb stroking slowly. She doesn’t look amused anymore. She looks like she understands exactly how much easier it would be for me if this were only about sex.

“Well, babe.” Lulu shifts on the floor. “For what it’s worth, it sounds like you wanna fuck your husband so bad you’re worried feelings might get involved.”

A laugh breaks out of me, and I nod. “Yes. Thank you. Finally, someone understands the seriousness of the situation.”

By the time the second bottle is empty and everyone’s ready to leave, Zoe’s added three things to my launch plan list, and Carina’s left hovering near the door with her coat over an arm.

“I’m fine,” I tell her.

“I didn’t say you weren’t. You wanna share a ride?”

“No, thanks. I just want five minutes in here by myself.” I glance around the studio. The room looks different now that everyone is leaving. Mine, in a way I haven’t had a chance to feel yet. “Then I’ll lock up and get home.”

Carina studies me. “Text me when you’re in the Uber. And again when you’re home.

“Yes, Mom.”

She checks the lock, checks my face, then finally leaves me alone in the studio with the lights humming overhead and my whole future spread out in front of me.

For a while, I just stand there until my phone buzzes in my hand.

Viktor: When are you home?

Me: Soon. Just at the studio.

Viktor: Alone?

Me: The girls just left. I’m having a profound moment

Viktor: Have you been drinking?

I glance at the two empty bottles on the counter.

Me: Yes. I’ll get an Uber soon