Page 56 of Don’t Look Back

“I can’t lose him,” I sobbed. “I just found him. I can’t lose him.”

“I know,” Charlie whispered in a soothing tone with a gentle hand on my shoulder. “I know. But the doctors here are good. They’ll help him.”

“Can’t you see how fucked up this is?” I mumbled. Charlie nodded but I kept going. “I mean… Why is Ryan back there fighting for his life right now? Because he’s gay? News flash: I like dick too! Why am I not back there on that table?”

I picked up my head to meet Charlie’s tear-filled eyes. “Why him?” I pleaded. “He’s done nothing wrong.”

“I wish I had the answers you need, Genie.”

“I love him, Charlie,” I blurted. “I’m in love with him.”

She dropped my phone, letting it clatter to the floor, and pulled me into her arms. “It’ll be okay,” she reassured. “He will pull through this.”

Charlie kept talking, but I was no longer hearing the words. I was too busy letting the tears fall that had gathered over the last couple of hours. My best friend held me until the crying finally stopped, until I was certain that I would be sick. An embarrassing amount of time later, I forced myself to straighten up and relax in my seat.

Charlie pulled herself from the floor, muttering, “There’d better be good coffee around here somewhere.”

“Charlie, go home.”

“Not a chance. If you’re determined to camp out here all night, you’re not going to do it alone.”

Itching to move, I resumed pacing down the hallway. Slowly, more drinks appeared next to Charlie. I knew that at least one of them was intended for me, but I didn’t want it. The only thing I wanted in my hand was Ryan’s.

The next five hours were agonizing. Marisol, Ryan’s mom, called when he was taken into surgery, but that was the last contact we had.

We watched idly as the irate woman from before was called back and left with her daughter’s arm in a cast. People came and went in the hospital, until Charlie and I were the only ones left. I couldn’t stay still. If I did, my brain would wander, and that was a dangerous thing in such a situation. Was Ryan okay? What if he wasn’t? Would I have to be the one to tell Ryan’s mom that he was gone?

“Jason?”

The sudden sound of my full name had me freezing on the spot. It was Ashley, who stood next to Charlie. With a glance over her shoulder, she crooked her finger at me to come closer. “Debbie wanted me to come over here and tell you to leave, so pretend that’s what I’m doing,” she whispered. “Ryan’s in surgery, and he’s stable. Here’s what you need to do: Walk out of these doors so she sees you. Go around to the main entrance and take the elevator to the third floor. Ask for Shannon. She can help you. I’m so sorry about your boyfriend.”

My shoulders sagged, the confirmation of us being outed hitting me like a freight train.

I was already feeling as defeated as I thought it could get. With tears in my reddened eyes, it wasn’t hard to pretend.

“I didn’t retain any of that.”

“Don’t worry,” Charlie said, leading me out of the building. “I did.”

We found the correct station–and Shannon–who led us to an empty waiting room. It was only once I perched at the window that I realized: I’d been in that room before. Only, it was me who had fallen asleep in the chair, and my dad was the one pacing the room anxiously waiting for news. That was the day we found out my mom had cancer.

“Gene, your legs have to be killing you,” Charlie said. “Sit down. Have some water.”

“I’m fine. I don’t want anything.”

“You have to be thirsty.” I didn’t say anything, but Charlie set the water beside me anyway.

“How did I end up back in this room, Charlie?”

“We can go somewhere else.”

“No,” I snapped. “I’m not leaving him alone. I won’t let Marisol sit here by herself.”

“Okay.”

Thankfully, Charlie backed off and returned to her seat. I grabbed the water, picking at the label.

I stood there until the sun rose over the horizon. The next time I heard Charlie move, she slid my phone in front of me. “Ryan’s mom is here. Will you be okay alone if I go get her?”