Page 146 of Graves

I drape the blanket over us like a shield that can protect me from the answer.

Unfortunately, reality is a heavy, stubborn weight. I tried to escape it with drugs and alcohol, only to be caught by it again.

Koh is real.

My feelings for him are real too.

Why does everything between us have to be so damn complicated?

I stay beside him the entire night, keeping him close, my hand resting in his hair. When he settles against my shoulder and his left arm lies across my stomach, I push up his sleeve and inspect the wounds. They sit between the pale scars on the inside of his upper arm and are fresh.

It’s obvious I’m partly responsible. No matter how good my intentions were Tuesday night when I tried to keep him away from Luke, my own drug-fueled meltdown drove him straight back into Luke’s arms.

I can’t sleep.

While Koh finds peace in my arms, I stare at the ceiling and wonder what I have to do to help him.

The fact that the fourth concert is already on Wednesday feels like a bad omen hanging over me. I’m terrified it’s going to end in disaster, putting even more pressure on me.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

31

—

Aran

Exhausted, I stand in front of the coffee machine at half past eight and make myself an espresso. Koh is still asleep, and I don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad sign.

I fish his phone out of his jacket pocket and sink onto the couch with it. I’d seen Koh enter the passcode enough times to remember it. When I find Luke’s contact details, I block his number and delete the entry.

It’s not Luke I want to contact anyway. It’s Selene Rashkov.

I lay awake all night searching for a solution, and she’s the only person who seems reasonable.

I don’t know much about Koh’s stepmother, but from the way he’s spoken about her, he trusts her. And he gets along well with his siblings, so she couldn’t have been a terrible replacement mother.

“Koh! You’re up early,” she answers, sounding pleased.

“Hey,” I say hesitantly. “This is Aran… and, uh… Koh is with me. He’s not doing well.”

“Koh? What’s wrong?” Her voice shifts instantly into that of a worried mother, and the relief I feel is immediate.

“Um… How do I even say this… He… uh…” I glance over my shoulder to make sure he’s not about to walk in, then head out onto the terrace anyway. “He almost jumped in front of a train yesterday.”

“What? But… how could that happen?”

I swallow hard. “Luke happened.”

“Oh no…”

“I… I want to help him, but… I think I’m reaching my limit here.”

“Yes, I… understand.” Selene sounds visibly shaken as she tries to gather her thoughts. “Where are you? I mean… where is Koh right now?”

“At home. In the West Village. I’m his roommate.”

“Ah…”