Page 144 of Graves

God! I feel dizzy and sick.

After Fox got me back on my feet a few days ago, I tried to cut back, but knowing Koh was with Luke turned me into a nervous wreck. In the end I got through the days on pills, and as soon as I got home, I drank until I numbed everything so I wouldn’t fall apart.

My hands are shaking as I pull off Koh’s jacket and drape it over a chair at the dining table.

Am I in withdrawal?

I summon every ounce of willpower not to grab the vodka from the fridge and pour myself a serious drink.

I can’t. I don’t want to.

Koh needs me right now—more than ever—even though I’m off the rails myself.

“Come on,” I say, ushering him through my bedroom into the bathroom. I close the toilet lid and sit him down.

“I’m cold,” he says as I remove his shoes.

“I know. I’ll warm you up.”

“You’re being so nice to me. I don’t deserve that.”

He speaks like a robot—monotone and flat. I barely recognize him.

“Yes, you do, Koh. You deserve everything good—and so much more.”

I gently lift his arms and slip off his sweater and T-shirt at the same time. The fresh cuts on his upper arm make me swallow hard. I grimace in pain and look at him with tears in my eyes.

“It’s not bad,” he says in a thin voice, caressing my cheek as if he’s trying to comfort me. His touch feels mechanical and lifeless. “Not bad at all.”

Focus, Aran. One thing at a time.

I help him out of his pants and help him into the shower. The fact that he turns on the water himself and adjusts the temperature relaxes me a little. Apparently, he’s come out of his delusion. But then he turns to me, arms wrapped tightly around himself because he’s still shivering. He seems like he could collapse any second.

I kick off my shoes, step into the shower fully clothed, and hug him, holding him close. I keep him steady and give him the feeling that he’s not alone. That’s the man I want to be for him.

“No. You’re not going to prison,” I say as calmly as I can, pressing him against me. It’s hard to believe my own words, so I search for arguments. “That would be digging his own grave. He knows by now that you’re part of the Mafia, right?”

“I wonder when he found out.”

“And how did he know about Jerry?”

“He has this uncle who works for the police.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I murmur, running my fingers through his wet hair. “Someone like Luke only makes threats. Now that he knows who your father is, he won’t want to risk getting on his bad side. Besides, Jerry’s case was closed a long time ago.”

“Probably.”

I hope so, because there’s nothing in the world I want less than for Koh to end up in prison. Not after everything he’s already been through. And especially not after he turned my world upside down—because then all of this would have been for nothing.

I’m on the path to getting better—at least I have a goal again. The fact that I ran after Koh without thinking tells me he’s my light on the horizon. The brightest light that can show me the way out of the darkness.

Koh wiggles out of my embrace and presses his lips together. I stare into his eyes and kiss him. On the cheek. On the mouth. I brush his wet hair from his forehead.

“You got all wet,” he mutters, making a guilty face like it’s his fault.

“Doesn’t matter,” I smile and kiss him again.

I’m just relieved he’s stopped shaking. The warmth has reached him and his breathing is no longer so ragged.