Page 140 of Graves

As if time is slowing down, I feel like I’m under a glass dome. A train pulls in on the opposite side, the gust of air whipping my hair around. Everything moves in slow motion. The loudspeaker crackles overhead, but the words dissolve before they reach me. In the corner of my eye, I see shadows of people. I’m left numb and dazed.

Luke rests a hand on my back and pushes me two steps closer to the edge.

“Oh, Blue, I know you. I’d understand if you jumped, you know? I wouldn’t even be mad. You wouldn’t survive prison anyway. But somehow you have to pay for what you did.”

I’m a murderer. The words echo inside me like a refrain. A monster who deserves to die.

Luke is offering me an escape right now. A chance to atone for my crime.

Why didn’t I think of this before?

My death would only be fair.

As if in a trance, I take a step closer to the edge.

Let go and disappear.

Why not?

Then all my problems would be solved.

I take another step.

And another.

The wind swirls around my head and all sounds are muffled.

In the distance, I hear a voice.

Barely audible.

It’s calling me.

29

—

Aran

Ever since Koh left, I’ve been floating in limbo. I hoped the feeling would fade after a few days, but I feel more hollow than I have in a long time.

Thanks to Fox, I’ve managed to get my feet back on solid ground, but that hasn’t made the problems disappear.

I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. I wasn’t even this lost in prison—maybe because I wasn’t constantly high there.

I’m burned out and have turned into the puppet I always feared I’d become. My path feels predetermined, and Sam’s well-meaning words are now nothing more than a distant echo. Surrendering to the melancholy is easier than putting up a fight.

But there’s one person who keeps my fire from dying out completely.

Koh.

I have no idea where he is. As long as he keeps ignoring my calls, I can’t tell him how sorry I am for pushing him away. The fear of having lost him for good is so overwhelming that I’ve even considered calling the press to ask what they know about the Rashkov-Drakos family.

But then memories of Ben resurface, and I always come to the same conclusion: it’s probably better to leave Koh alone.

The feelings I have for him can’t possibly be real. Even if I did fall in love with him, I’m in no condition to be the man he deserves. I’m too broken for that.

Besides, I’m not allowed to love him anyway. That would end in disaster for sure. I don’t have the strength to go through something like what happened with Ben again.