Page 135 of Graves

The man knows my biggest secret! He turned my head and showed me sides of myself I didn’t know existed. But what makes it even more complicated is that he made me feel normal. I was so close to accepting the monster inside me as part of who I am.

Aran awakened feelings in me that simply aren’t good.

Yes, I fell in love with him, but as long as he’s this unstable, he’s poison for me. I have no influence over him, especially while he’s using drugs. He has to find his own way, and I can only hope he doesn’t destroy himself in the process.

Luke is right. I need someone who gives me security. Something less chaotic and solid. Aran can’t give me that right now. Not with the chaos raging inside him.

I can’t allow myself to feel anything for him. I need to get those feelings under control as quickly as possible. Just thinking about Aran throws everything into turmoil. He summons a storm that tears me apart. Far away in the roaring noise, I hear someone calling my name.

Like the sound of a siren, the voice calls to me, and the closer I get to the source, the more I lose control.

A familiar pulling sensation spreads through my chest and the pressure rises. I press the heel of my hand against my forehead and inhale sharply. But it doesn’t help.

There’s only one way out of this confused state.

I leave my room and walk down the hallway to the bathroom. It’s already half past nine. Luke is at the practice and I’m alone in the apartment.

I take the razor blade from my toiletry bag and sit on the edge of the bathtub. I remove my T-shirt and extend my arm.

I’m on autopilot as I press the blade down until blood wells up. Until the pain washes away the chaos inside me and lets me focus only on it.

Little by little, I return to my body. I feel my lungs rising and falling with each breath. I feel the warm blood running down my upper arm. And I feel the pressure dissolving.

I’m relieved to have tamed the madness around Aran.

But the next one is already waiting, and its name is Luke.

Since I moved back here three nights ago, I’ve been under constant tension—even when he’s out of the house and at work. Every morning, I examine every thought, every movement, as if one wrong step could set everything off.

The pressure of possibly doing something wrong or not being the person I became over the last year weighs heavily on my chest.

With a trembling hand, I place the blade between two healed scars and cut into my flesh again.

Warm blood rises and flushes the tension out of me.

Relieved, I let out a long breath and reach for the toilet paper.

I didn’t mean to hurt myself. I just wanted to release the tightness inside me—which I’ve done.

The trembling in my hand has stopped too.

While I press toilet paper against the wounds, I glance around the white-tiled bathroom.

I’ve sat here often, alone, to pull myself together. To organize my thoughts after Luke had played with them.

But I’m not that person anymore.

Amid all the chaos surrounding me, this is one of my most familiar places.

Being here with Luke feels like being in a safe harbor.

I have the chance to work as a dentist again.

It was Luke who encouraged me. I wouldn’t have trusted myself to do it yet. But yesterday’s visit to the practice reminded me of what I actually want. What I studied for.

The only thing that stopped me from taking on a patient the same day was Pixie.

Hygiene regulations don’t allow dogs in the practice. Since I can’t leave Pixie home alone all day, I have no choice but to find someone to look after her.