Page 81 of Play Room Actor

I’d had to face the hard truth: I was addicted to sex.

That’s why I’d been trying to live a celibate life.

Ugh.

I spat into the sink and rinsed my toothbrush. My hard-on was gone, and I wondered if I could get it back up with some coke.

It might be worth a try, I thought as I left the bathroom, lost in thought.

It was nine o’clock, and I got ready to head to the script reading. Thankfully, Nico wasn’t home. With my asshole tendencies, he would’ve seen right through me—my last breakdown had left a lasting impression.

I would never let it get that far again.

The fact that I was already heading down the same road was something I shoved aside. I was great at lying to myself—and even better at lying to everyone else. I was an actor, for God’s sake! I could be whoever I wanted.

Or could I?

Tonight, I wanted to be the guy with a hard-on that lasted all night.

Was that even possible?

What was so wrong with that?

This dry spell of mine had gone on way too long.

I pushed aside the guilt that I was betraying Kilian. Besides, after the way I’d behaved yesterday, I was sure he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

God, I’d practically broken up with him! And we weren’t even together.

Or were we?

Just because we’d spent last week watching TV like some married couple, with his head in my lap, didn’t mean anything.

Right?

He’d been acting strange.

If I wasn’t mistaken, it was clearly a depressive phase. But just like me, he wasn’t talking about it. In that sense, it was probably for the best that I ended whatever it was between us early—because it wouldn’t have had a future anyway.

It still surprised me how he’d managed to get me to open up to him. The guy had been persistent.

When a smile crept onto my lips, I stopped myself immediately.

There’s nothing to smile about, I scolded myself as I stood fully dressed in the middle of my room. The guy’s just not quite right. That’s all.

The truth that I found him even more endearing because of it was something I tried to ignore.

My pride refused to admit that Kilian was the first person in a long time to get me to climax.

Yeah, it’s better to take my frustration out on Kilian and keep him at arm’s length before it’s too late. Damn it! As soon as he finds out the truth about me, he’ll run far, far away.

No! I’ll talk to him. Maybe he’ll listen. Maybe he’ll understand. Even if he doesn’t want anything to do with me afterward, at least I’ll have tried.

Feeling a mix of emotions, I headed to rehearsal. While Kilian was in the building, he was elusive. Once, I saw his silhouette in the control room. Another time, I spotted him from a distance, making his way toward the workshop. Then, while we were rehearsing a scene on stage, I glanced up and saw him on the third balcony, chatting with Tim.

The afternoon wasn’t any better. And even though I could see how busy he was, I still wondered if he was avoiding me. Sure, I’d told him to leave me alone, but I hadn’t expected him to actually follow through.

I stayed at the theater until six since I had to meet with Sibylle after rehearsal to try on costumes. On my way out, I passed the terrace and stopped near an open window.