Page 80 of Play Room Actor

23

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Dominic

I could barely sleep, tossing and turning all night. Running into Livio had flipped a switch inside me, and every part of me was desperate to go to that party tonight. Even though I knew it wasn’t the right choice.

Damn it! Everything Kilian said about Livio was true.

I’d called Kilian crazy, but I was the one acting completely irrational—ever since I’d stepped off the stage and realized who that journalist really was. Livio had me trapped in his web like a spider, and I’d taken out my frustration on Kilian.

Not that I didn’t stand by what I’d said, but I knew I’d crossed a line. He’d warned me before not to call him crazy—back then, at Red. Normally, I was someone who respected boundaries, but this time, I’d used his weakness against him just to get myself off the hook.

I deserved that punch.

If you look at it that way, we were even.

I wondered if Kilian had ever forgiven me for the time I punched him outside Red.

Shit! This wasn’t like me at all.

But here I was, standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, feeling completely out of sorts. There was a war raging in my head, and I wanted both sides to win. Worst of all, I was painfully aware of how ungrateful I’d been toward Kilian.

I wanted to call him or, better yet, just show up at his place, apologize, and talk it out. But the demon inside me had woken up. It wanted sex—raw, rough sex—and it wanted it twenty-four hours a day.

What a goddamn idiot I was.

I should’ve told Kilian a long time ago that last year I’d lost control, that sex had become my entire life, and I’d slept with more men than he could probably imagine.

Even though I knew how important it was to let the people close to me in on that truth, I hadn’t been able to do it with Kilian. From his perspective, what happened at Red or at the wedding party had probably just been about having fun and getting me off.

For me, though, it had been a revelation. I’d had an erection, an orgasm, a release. Just thinking about it nearly brought me to tears. I’d stopped believing it was possible.

Kilian had proven me wrong.

It was possible.

If I’d had the guts to tell him about the chemsex parties, he might have been able to see the bigger picture and understand my attempt at celibacy. But instead, I’d set him up for failure and now secretly blamed him for triggering my desires.

Yeah, it had been fun.

Way too much fun!

Fun I definitely shouldn’t have allowed myself to have yet. I’d been weak, naïve, and I’d thought, “One time doesn’t count.”

How could I have believed that I’d go back to celibacy after that night in the playroom? I wasn’t a monk, and I never would be.

When I woke up this morning with a hard-on, my emotions were already so tangled I couldn’t even be happy about it. I’d acted like a total asshole toward Kilian, and the self-loathing was burning like acid in my veins. My pulse raced as I tried to figure out how to fix the situation. I wanted to see Kilian, to apologize, to tell him the truth.

The whole truth.

But that demon inside me—Mr. Hyde—was relentless, whispering in the back of my mind—Go to Livio. He’ll give you what you need.

Livio didn’t know I’d cleaned up. I wasn’t even sure if he’d known my ex Gian. But after Gian’s suicide, my life had taken a radical turn.

I’d shut myself off from reality. Before, I’d been functional from Tuesday to Friday, leading a more or less regular life. After Gian’s death, I spiraled even further into a haze of sex and drugs. The shame after each hookup became so unbearable that I just took more drugs. But those didn’t fill my craving for affection, so I’d grab the next guy who offered himself. The downward spiral continued until one day I had a complete breakdown in my kitchen.

Nico had seen how far gone I was and helped me get back on my feet. The first thing he did was take my phone and make sure I got a new number. He then set me up on an appointment with a therapist, which eventually led to rehab—not that the substances were the real problem. It was the sex withdrawal that tore me apart.